


Someday

by TheSoulReader



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Butterflies, Confessions, Cryptic Confession, Endearments, Eren's an idiot, Ereri Secret Santa 2017, Eventual Smut, Friends to Lovers, I know very little about Canada sorry, Kuchel is a saint, Levi is also an idiot, M/M, Moths, NSFW, Rough Sex, Seriously help me with the French, They're Canadian Apparently IDK, a lot of french, fake dating au, they figure it out
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-02-23 21:30:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 23,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13198935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSoulReader/pseuds/TheSoulReader
Summary: What if "someday" suddenly became "right now"?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Arlene0401](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arlene0401/gifts).



> My Ereri 2017 Secret Santa gift for Arlene0401 :) I hope this is pleasing. Because of the way I write, this fic isn't complete, but I wanted them to receive their gift in a timely fashion. This piece won't be long, but it should be fun, and I hope all who read it can enjoy it.

“That is a fucking stupid idea and there’s no way it could work.”

A phrase like that is a common one for Levi Ackerman to spew, however, the words don’t come from his mouth this time.  They come from his longtime roommate and best friend, Eren Jaeger.

“Look, my mother is coming to visit, and I can’t take any more of her pestering me about when I’m going to find a boyfriend and settle down.  She already likes you, so what’s the problem?”

Pushback is to be expected, Levi knows.  Eren has never been a person that one could call “readily compliant”.  He’s combative, and stubborn, and, well...downright mulish.  Though he’s more reasonable at age 29 than he was when they met as teenagers, he can still throw a damn good tantrum.

“Levi!” Eren huffs, stomping his foot.  That’s all he really has for a retort, but his petulance is building. “Why can’t Erwin do it?”

Why can’t Erwin do it?  It’s a fair question, though Levi has an answer ready and waiting, sitting on the tip of his tongue.  But he can’t stop himself from thinking about the conversation he’d had with his mother over the weekend.

_“So, is there anybody new in your life?  Anybody of the romantic persuasion, perhaps?”_

_“We’re not talking about this.”_

_“But Levi, I worry about you.  I know you’ve always kept to yourself, and that’s fine, it really is.  But what’s wrong with a little companionship?  You’re 32 and a bachelor.  Aren’t you lonely?”_

_“I live with Eren.  If anything, there’s an overabundance of companionship in my life.”_

_“Do you think he’ll be there forever, Levi?  I know you’re friends, but one day Eren’s going to find someone for himself.  He’ll start a life of his own with someone he loves.  I’m sure you want that for him.  Don’t you want it for you?”_

Something about that conversation struck a chord in him.  Not the potential of Eren leaving someday.  He has always been aware that such will come to pass, as is natural.  It’s more that Levi feels worn down.  He’s tired.  Tired of the pitying looks and sad invitations that come from his friends.  Tired of his mother’s meddling.  

He isn’t the curmudgeonly shut-in that so many assume, but he isn’t a party animal either.  His personality doesn’t lend to creating effortless friendships like Eren’s does, and it certainly doesn’t allow him to fall into romantic relationships beyond one night stands.  And that’s fine for now.  He’s content with solitary nights in, curled up on his couch with a bowl of popcorn in his lap and Dirty Harry playing on his DVD player for the millionth time.

Eren pokes at the raven, brows furrowed. “Hey!  I asked you a question!”

Levi waves him off with a frown of his own.  “Maman already knows that Erwin is my boss, and besides…” he trails off, looking somewhat guilty.  It’s only a slight twitch in his eyebrow that changes his expression, but Eren knows him too well not to pick up on it.

“Besides…?”

“I may have already told her that we’re dating.”

“LEVI!”

* * *

“You owe me so hardcore, Ackerman,” the brunette growls, straightening the collar of his sweater.  “This completely nullifies the time I vomited in the Cadillac!”

“Nothing could ever…”

“Nullified!”

“I don’t know why you’re being such a baby about this.  It’s not like you really have to think about answers to any questions she asks.”

The pair has already agreed that it’s best to stick to the truth in terms of events that have occurred in their lives.  They just have to talk about them in the context of dating, rather than friendship.  And as they decided they’ve only been “together” for three months, there’s no reason for things to be complex.  Even so…

“You know what a shitty liar I am, which is why it makes even less sense that you’d ask me to do this in the first place.”

The raven chuckles at that.  It’s true.  Eren is the worst liar he’s ever come across.  He couldn’t even successfully lie about having forgotten to buy milk at the grocery store.

“The best plans hold together because of simplicity.  You don’t have to lie about anything.”

“Except the part where we’re dating.  And presumably, fucking.”

Levi encroaches on Eren’s space in an instant, his body pressed flush to the brunette’s. Warm breath puffs along Eren’s jaw when he asks, “Does the idea of fucking me bother you?”

Eren can hear the smile in Levi’s voice and he shoves him away with a scoff.  He’s neither offended nor embarrassed.  Being close to Levi is nothing new.  The raven is more affectionate than any stranger would suspect, and the pair of them often hang off of each other in various ways.

“You’re the worst.”

“Accurate.  Hurry up and finish getting dressed, maman will be here any minute.”

“You’re nervous,” Eren teases.

“I am not,” the raven objects.

“You called her “maman.”  You only fall back on your French when you’re nervous.”

“Tais-toi, Gamin!”

Eren laughs, draping his arms over Levi’s shoulders, his chin resting in a soft nest of onyx.  It’s easy for him to reciprocate Levi’s taunts.  It’s second nature to him.  They know too much about each other to be put off by verbal barbs.  He knows that Levi’s shoulders only droop because of his weight resting on them.  He knows those mysterious eyes are crinkling in weariness.  He knows the stiffness in those delicate fingers is caused by silent consternation.

He knows Levi.

“Hey,” Eren murmurs, staring into the mirror Levi’s using to fix his tie.

“Mmm?” Levi hums in response.  He makes no effort to shove the brunette off him.  He knows it’s futile.

“It’ll be fine.  I don’t understand why you feel the need to do this, but I’ll do the best I can.”

Pale fingers reach up to press to the back of a tan hand, thin lips quirking up in the smallest of smiles as Levi nods his affirmation.  “Yeah, brat.  I know.”  He leans back into the embrace like it’s the most natural thing in the world.  Maybe because it is.  Because they’ve been friends for so long and know each other’s secrets.  Because Eren is warmth, and comfort, and familiarity.  Because it reminds Levi that he wants this with somebody, someday.

Someday.

And there’s a moment, the briefest flicker of time, where Eren thinks he could hold Levi forever.  That he could stare into a mirror every day and watch Levi put on a tie.  That he could fall into eyes that aren’t blue or grey, but some unnamable color that is both muted and bright.  Eren doesn’t even have the chance to startle at the forming of such thoughts.  A knock on the door takes care of that.

“She’s here.”

It’s such a simple statement that Levi makes, but the raven sounds oddly defeated.  Eren doesn’t know why, but he makes a silent pact with himself to ensure that Levi remains as comfortable as possible during his mother’s visit.  He knows that Levi loves her, and he knows that his mother accepts him for who he is.  There is no tension between mother and son in that regard.  It’s something else, something that Levi himself can’t quite put his finger on.  But it’s enough to shake him.  It’s enough for him to ask Eren to pretend to be his boyfriend.

It would be laughable if it didn’t make Eren’s heart ache _._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maman - Mom  
> Tais-toi, Gamin! - Shut up, brat!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please fix my french if it's wrong :p There's a lot of it

Levi’s strung tight as a bowstring, jawline stretched taut, stormy eyes dropping to the carpeting. It takes Eren squeezing him about his middle and whispering in his ear to urge him into motion. He puts one foot in front of the other, comforted by the pressure of Eren’s hand in the small of his back. He goes rigid when he hears another series of knocks, but Eren rubs along his forearms and kisses the top of his head. He’s done that for the raven countless times over the years and Levi is sure he’s never appreciated it more. With a deep breath he reaches forward and opens the door, forcing a smile onto his face.

“Bonjour, maman.”  
  
_Au revoir, sanity_.

Eren waits in silence while Levi tends to welcoming their guest.  It is impossible to deny that the woman standing in the entryway is Levi’s mother, and it has nothing to do with the raven having called her such.  It’s evident in her high cheekbones and piercing grey eyes, the beautiful blue black of her hair and her fair complexion.  There are differences, of course.  While her son is comprised of hard lines, his facial features angular and sharp, her face is subtly rounded, a gentle softness resting in familiar frosted eyes.  Levi’s mouth is often set in a firm line, but his mother has a subdued smile tipping up the corners of her mouth.  She radiates warmth and welcome.

Levi’s sure he takes after his father, even though he’s never met the man.

“Ah, bonjour, ma petite phalène,” Kuchel coos, wrapping her arms around her son.  She’s taller than he is.  Everybody’s taller than he is.  

“Bonjour, Kuchel,” Eren says with a smile.  He’s opted to stand behind Levi, slightly off to the side.  The brunette is usually happy to see Levi’s mother.  She’s practically a second mother to him as it is.  But he’s nervous and uncomfortable this time around.  He’d much rather be in the kitchen preparing coffee and tea for the three of them, but he knows that he should be—no, needs to be—close at hand for the time being.

“Papillon le plus brillant,” the matriarch intones, embracing him after Levi has taken her coat.  “Hello, Eren.  It’s so good to see you.”

“And you, Kuchel.”

“Your French has improved.”

“Heh, yeah,” he says with a blush, gaze flicking towards Levi.  “Your son’s a bit of a slave driver.”

“You’ve been living in Quebec for literally half your life!  Your French was abysmal when we met.  I’ll keep correcting you until you stop sounding like a boor.”

“It wasn’t necessary in Nova Scotia!”

“Ce n'est pas grave si ce n'était pas nécessaire là-bas. Il est nécessaire ici. Tu es juste paresseux,” Levi scowls, French effortlessly rolling off his tongue.

“Je me suis débrouillé!” Eren protests.

“You know he’s a terrible liar,” the raven addresses his mother.  “He once ended up in Senneterre because he couldn’t understand the announcements over the PA system.  I had to drive six hours to go pick him up.”

Kuchel laughs, taking a seat on the couch.  “Tu as toujours été un fauteur de troubles, Eren.”  Levi’s quick wit must come from her, Eren thinks.  Though her humor is lighthearted and good-natured in contrast to the sarcastic jabs the raven provides.

Eren takes Levi settling into his preferred chair as his cue to start preparing drinks, though he cannot resist taunting the elder in response to his mother’s accusation.  “Votre fils a besoin d'un peu de mal dans sa vie.”

“You provide more than a little trouble, Gamin,” Levi snorts, knuckles pressing against his temple when he rests his head on his fist.

“Ah, but you couldn’t live without me!” Eren chuckles from the kitchen.

 _That’s true_ , Levi thinks.   _I couldn’t._

* * *

“So tell me,” Kuchel begins, folding her hands in her lap, “how long have you two been together?”

“Three months,” Levi says with a shrug, standing to pick up long empty coffee mugs.  He leaves the plate of shortbread cookies.  He knows Eren will complain about their removal even if he’s already stuffed full of them.

“Three months!  And you didn’t tell me?”

“We really haven’t told anybody,” Eren supplies, teeth worrying his lower lip.  It’s not a lie.

“Levi!  It’s bad enough you didn’t tell me, but you haven’t told your friends, either?”

“What business is it of theirs?” the raven queries, head bowed as he washes dishes.  The question isn’t without merit in his mind.  He loves his friends, but there’s more than enough meddling in his life, and Levi likes his privacy.  He always has.

“They’re your friends!  I’m sure they’d be supportive!”

“That’s not the issue!” Levi puffs, shoulders squaring.  Eren doesn’t need him to turn around to know that he’s frustrated.

“Then what is?”

“Maman, you’ve only been here for an hour and you’re already…”

“Levi’s always been secretive about his relationships,” Eren interjects.  He can’t stand tension between people and his natural inclination is to diffuse it.  Now certainly seems as good a time as any.  “He’s not ashamed of us, he just…there are things he likes to keep for himself,” the brunette finishes with a smile.  “I’m sorry, Kuchel.  I know three months seems like a long time, but this is still new to us.  And most people don’t meet their boyfriend’s mom after three months…I don’t think?”

“You don’t think?” Kuchel tilts her head, curious.

“The longest relationship Eren’s ever had was six months, and he didn’t meet the parents then, either.”

“Thomas was an asshole.”

“I knew that after six days.  I don’t know how it took you six months to figure it out.”

“Tais-toi!”

A peal of laughter escapes the eldest Ackerman yet again, eyes twinkling with unconcealed amusement as she takes in the pair.  “That doesn’t sound nearly as cross coming from you, papillon.”

“Nothing sounds as cross as when he speaks,” Eren quips.

“Hey!”

“But,” Eren continues with a wistful sigh, “I get to see the parts of him no one else does, so it’s worth enduring.”

Grassy irises meet steel and Eren can feel himself flush.  He doesn’t know why.  He’s pretty sure that the tips of Levi’s ears are tinged pink, and he doesn’t know why that is, either.  What Eren does know is that he’s not had to truly lie to Kuchel.

That knowledge terrifies him.

* * *

“I know you usually stay in the guest room, but we had it repainted a couple of days ago,” Levi explains, hauling his mother’s luggage down the hallway.  Eren’s working on dinner.

“I could have stayed at a hotel, Levi.”

“That’s silly when we have perfectly good rooms here.  Eren’s room is open, and I scrubbed it down to the baseboards with a damn toothbrush.”

“It frightens me that I know you’re not joking,” Kuchel smirks, following Levi into the brunette’s bedroom.  She startles a little when she enters the space, blinking at the color scheme.

“Maman?”

“I’m sorry, sweetie, I was a little surprised.  Eren’s room is very...it’s...he’s…”

Levi’s so used to Eren’s mood swings and manic phases that he’s no longer shocked when the brunette changes the scheme of his room.  Sometimes it’s color, other times it’s furniture, and there are times beyond that where all he does is sit at the piano in the living room for hours on end, trying to compose away his demons.  It’s part of living with Eren.  It’s part of knowing Eren.  Levi doesn’t mind.  He has demons of his own.

“He’s going through a thing with pastels and pinstripes right now.  Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Kuchel waves him off, taking in the room.  The walls are a pale, muted lavender, meticulously lined with thinly spaced pinstripes.  It’s not wallpaper.  It’s Eren’s work.  The wall behind his bed is a soft yellow, grey, gothic filigree adding to the accent.  It’s breathtaking.  “His mind is beautiful.”

“It is,” Levi nods in agreement.

“It’s painful,” she says quietly.

“It is,” the raven agrees again.  “And it’s part of Eren.”

“Levi…”

“Oui, maman?”

Kuchel scrutinizes her son’s face, something serious overtaking her countenance.  Levi avoids squirming, but he knows he’s being appraised.  The moment passes as quickly as it came on.

“Nevermind,” she says with a smile.  “I’m going to get settled in.  Call me when dinner’s ready?”

“Of course,” the raven nods, heading for the door.  Something makes him stop, though he’s not sure what.  He can’t help himself, looking back at her to murmur a quiet, “Thank you.”  Levi doesn’t know what he’s thanking her for.  He hopes he can figure it out.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonjour, maman - hello, mom  
> Au revoir - Goodbye  
> bonjour, ma petite phalène - Hello my little moth  
> Bonjour, Kuchel - Hello, Kuchel  
> Papillon le plus brillant - Brightest butterfly  
> Ce n'est pas grave si ce n'était pas nécessaire là-bas. Il est nécessaire ici. Tu es juste paresseux - It doesn't matter if it wasn't necessary there. It's necessary here. You're just lazy.  
> Je me suis débrouillé! - I managed!  
> Tu as toujours été un fauteur de troubles, Eren - You always were a troublemaker, Eren  
> Votre fils a besoin d'un peu de mal dans sa vie - Your son needs a little trouble in his life  
> Gamin - Brat  
> Maman - Mom  
> Tais-toi! - Shut up!  
> papillon - butterfly  
> Oui, maman? - Yes, mom?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapters are short, but there's a lot in 'em. As always, if my French is wrong, please leave a comment of how I can fix it.
> 
> Happy New Year!

Levi is hoping dinner will be a quiet affair.  It’s stupid, of course, as both Eren and his mother are relentless chatterboxes, but hope springs eternal as they say.  And perhaps, he thinks while making his way down the hall, that it’s for the best.  It’s disconcerting when his mother is quiet.  It means she’s plotting something.  It’s alarming when Eren is quiet because he could be…

No.  Levi doesn’t want to think about that.

“There’s the love of my life,” Eren warbles when Levi makes his appearance.  “Can you mash some garlic for me, honey?" he singsongs, batting his eyelashes.

It's meant to be a joke but Levi is caught off guard by Eren’s declaration, though the brunette doesn’t notice.  He recovers as quickly as he can, retrieving the mortar and pestle from the cabinet.

“Sarma?” Levi asks.

Eren nods.  He’s working on chopping up parsley, a bowl of freshly made hummus sitting off to the side.

“That explains why there’s a forty-pound bag of rice in the pantry.  And why I heard you tinkering around all night.”

The brunette suddenly pales, shifting back and forth on the balls of his feet.  “I’m sorry.  I needed to do something.  I couldn’t do anything with my room since your mom was coming, and I didn’t want to keep you up with the piano, and…and…”

“It’s fine, brat,” Levi soothes.  “You’re worrying too much.”

“Et c'est ton préféré non?” Eren speaks softly, eyes focused on the parsley.  His concentration is so intense as to appear absurd, though Levi knows better.  “Je voulais que tu aies ton préféré. Je sais que c'est tôt, mais c'est presque ton anniversaire.”

It takes no effort on Levi’s part to move around the counter and hug Eren.  His arms snake around the brunette’s middle and he presses his cheek to Eren’s back in silent gratitude.  He does his best to ignore Eren’s shiver.

“Ta prononciation était de la merde,” the raven deadpans.

“Tu es si pointilleux.  Étais-tu un chat dans une vie passée?” Eren returns, lips twitching.

The raven shoves against his counterpart’s back, muttering, “Morveux de merde.”  Levi steps away when the tension melts from Eren’s body in the form of light laughter.  His fingers trail along Eren’s rib cage for the briefest of moments, but it’s enough contact to note another tremor in his body.  Before he can think better of it, Levi pokes Eren in the side with his finger.  The resulting squeak encourages him and he pokes Eren again.

“You really gonna keep doin’ that?” Eren questions the smaller man, voice dangerously low. He’s leaning towards Levi, looming over him, and in that moment Levi’s deft fingers find their way to the space beneath Eren’s armpits and he begins tickling him mercilessly.

“Ah!  Levi!” he squeals.  Trying to combat his assailant while guffawing like an overexcited donkey proves to be a difficult task indeed.  “Stop it, you fucker!”

The protests don’t go unheard, but only in terms of the raven literally hearing them.  He doesn’t heed the command at all.  He has no reason to.  Eren is hugging Levi to his chest, tears rolling down his cheeks from his laughter.

“Am I interrupting something?” a voice calls.

The men jump apart as if they’ve been scalded.  Eren immediately turns crimson while Levi looks awkward and abashed.  There’s a tinge of rose on the apples of his cheeks but it is nothing compared to the brunette’s hue.

“Are you alright, papillon?  You look like you’re about to pass out!”

“Oui!” Eren replies a little too quickly, taking up his knife to finish his parsley garnish.  “I’m fine!  Bien!  Bon!  Fantastic!”

Kuchel’s brows knit together, showing her skepticism.  Eren can see where Levi’s expressions come from.  Their personalities may not match, but mother and son make the same faces.

Levi speaks up in an effort to pull the attention away from Eren.  “Eren made sarma, maman.”

“I get to try Eren’s famous grape leaves?” the matriarch says, eyes widening in delight.  “I’ve heard all about them.  Levi raves about them!”

“Ah bon?” Eren asks him, surprised.

This time Levi does blush, a hand raising to rub the back of his neck.  “I don’t…rave.”

Kuchel barks a laugh and crosses her arms, staring her son down.  “Oui c'est ça!”

“Maman!”

“I don’t make them a lot,” Eren interrupts.  “Sarma is fairly labor intensive.  Traditionally it’s meant for special occasions.  The time involved in its preparation is how the cook shows how much they lo—care about the people they’re cooking for.”

Kuchel catches Eren’s bobble.  She tries to get him to meet her eyes, but he refuses to do so and she doesn’t push the issue.  She chooses instead to ask, “What’s the special occasion?  Certainly not my visit?”

“The reasons are connected,” Eren shrugs and catches his lower lip beneath his eye tooth.  “Levi, can you put the rice and hummus on the table, please?  I need to go wash up.”

Levi doesn’t get a chance to respond.  Eren’s already rushing past him to the bathroom.

“Is he ok, bébé?’

“He’s a little overwhelmed with your visit.  There’s…it’s a lot for him.”

“Have you two never said…?”

Levi sighs and rests his shoulder against the door of the refrigerator.  He doesn’t really want to answer, but he doesn’t feel he has a choice, either.  “We say I love you all the time.  Eren said it first when we were still teens.”

“But that didn’t mean the same thing as what I’m asking.”

“No, it didn't.”

“Do you want it to mean something else?”

Levi feels something twist in his gut before something else tightens in his chest.  It’s an odd sensation in that he doesn’t know if he needs to vomit or shit, because it feels like he has to do both.  It’s reminiscent of the time he got food poisoning from a local bistro.

“Levi?”

The raven shakes his head, unwilling to continue the conversation.  “I’m going to check on Eren,” he mutters, brushing past his mother.

He doesn’t want it to mean something else.

He doesn’t.

He _doesn’t._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Et c'est ton préféré non? - And it's your favorite, no?  
> Je voulais que tu aies ton préféré. Je sais que c'est tôt, mais c'est presque ton anniversaire - I wanted you to have your favorite. I know it's early, but it's almost your birthday.  
> Ta prononciation était de la merde - Your pronunciation was shit.  
> Tu es si pointilleux. Étais-tu un chat dans une vie passée? - You're so picky. Were you a cat in a past life?  
> Morveux de merde - Snotty shit  
> Papillon - Butterfly  
> Oui! Bien! Bon! - Yes! Good! Great!  
> Ah bon? - You do?  
> “Oui c'est ça! - Lit: Yes you do, though the feel is "The hell you don't!"  
> Maman - Mom  
> bébé - Baby


	4. Chapter 4

“Eren?”

The voice on the other side of the door is deep and warm.  Levi has come calling for him, but Eren’s not so inclined to let him in.  He keeps splashing water on his face, hoping it will cool his burning skin.  His face is going tight with it, the frigid liquid constricting his pores.  He thinks he may burst right out of his body.

“Eren, if you clog that toilet again, I swear to the universe I will use one of your arms as a plunger!”

Ah, that’s more like it.  A threat that isn’t a threat at all.  The brunette feels something stir in his chest.  Something warm and inviting.  He wants to ignore the invitation, but he doesn’t know what it’s for.  That’s what he tells himself, anyway.  It’s what he’ll keep telling himself.  He has to.

“I didn’t clog the damn toilet, you ass,” Eren grumbles at the closed door.  “I’ll be out in a second.”

He grabs a hand towel and presses it to his face, catching the stray droplets that cling to his hairline.  When he opens the bathroom door Levi is there waiting for him.  It seems like the raven is always waiting for him.  He hates it, he thinks.  He never has before, but right now, he hates it.  He’s anxious for reasons he doesn’t entirely understand and that only makes it worse.

Eren is high strung by nature.  Not flighty in the manner that Levi is, but busy.  His brain is like a hummingbird, always working, flitting about, buzzing around in his skull.  So when whatever peace he has found for the minute, the hour, the day, is disturbed, he has to fight down the urge to combust where he stands.

“Gamin,” Levi whispers, careful hands alighting on too warm cheeks.  He’s trying to call Eren back to him, because he’s there, but he’s not really present, and it makes him nervous when Eren is like this.  It’s not anxiety.  Not like what he deals with, anyway.  He knows that Eren’s brain is working overtime.  He’s trying to keep everything in balance and his radiator has overheated and overflowed.

“I’m ok,” Eren sighs, bringing his hands up to rest them over Levi’s.  He sounds simultaneously weary and wistful.  His thumbs match the strokes Levi’s are making against his cheekbones and he musters up the strength to smile before gently pulling the raven’s hands away.  “Come on, let’s go eat.  Your mother came all this way to visit.  It’s rude not to spend time with her.”

Levi wants to ask him if he’s sure, if he'd rather turn in for the night, but he can’t.  Eren knows himself.  He understands himself.  It isn’t Levi’s job to tell him what he should and shouldn’t do.  It isn’t Levi’s place to tell him he shouldn’t push himself.  He has no right to. 

He put Eren in this position in the first place.

* * *

When the pair returns to the table, Kuchel is sitting, waiting patiently.  Her gaze finds Levi first, silently asking if Eren is ok.  There’s the smallest nod of his head as he takes his seat and she smiles.  Eren makes his way past the table and into the kitchen to finish plating the meal, avoiding eye contact as best he can as he sets food down.

“This looks wonderful, Eren,” Kuchel compliments.

“Thank you,” he says quietly.  “Please, help yourself.”

“I’ve never had this before.  What’s the best way to eat it?”

“Oh, that depends on preference.  Most people dip them in the yogurt sauce,” Eren says, pointing to the small crock on the table.  “Levi likes to dip them in his hummus.”

The information catches Kuchel by surprise.  “You?  Mixing your foods?  You’ve always been so fastidious about…”

Levi is quick to respond, though his face shows stubbornness that only a mother would know.  “This is different.”

“Is it?” she asks, concealing a smirk behind her hand.

“I don’t understand it, either.  He typically sections all of his food and eats it one portion at a time, but hummus and sarma is apparently a match made in heaven,” Eren chuckles.

“Your mother nearly had a heart attack when you told her you liked to dip yours in barbecue sauce.”

Eren groans and covers his face with his hands.  He tries to shove away that memory.  He never thought he’d have a knock down drag out fight over dipping grape leaves in barbecue sauce, but it was a family wide scandal.

Kuchel quietly consumes her dinner while she watches the two men “argue”, speaking only when they direct their attention to her.  She finds it much more enjoyable to observe their current interactions.  People who didn’t know the two would think their arguments would end in a brawl, but Levi is Kuchel’s son, and Eren is…well, her second son.  She’s known him since he was a precocious twelve-year-old and though his family life wasn’t abnormal and he was well cared for, Eren spent so much time with Levi as they grew up he unwittingly became part of their family.

And yet, something still feels off between them. 

She is not so presumptuous as to ask if they’re having problems, but a mother’s work is never done, and she always looks out for her child.  She has to do her best to look out for them both, she supposes. 

Idiots.

* * *

With dinner finished and dishes completed, Levi excuses himself to shower.  There is a look that passes between him and Eren before he departs, but Eren assures him it’s fine, he can go ahead.  And so Levi takes his exit and Eren brews coffee for himself and tea for Kuchel, curling up on his customary seat on the couch.

“He still showers twice a day, mm?” Kuchel hums over the rim of her mug.

“He does.  But it used to be…”

“5, 6, 7 times,” she finishes.

Eren nods and sighs, hands clasping around his drink.  He’s not annoyed, just tired.  “I got him down to two the first couple years I lived with him, but it took some time.”

“He’s been that way ever since the accident.”

“I remember,” Eren murmurs.  He wishes he didn’t. It hadn’t been anybody’s fault.  They’d been out with some of Levi’s college friends, Eren still a junior in high school himself.  The winter roads had been well salted, they were clear, but the car they were riding in hit a patch of black ice.  They’d gone careening into a light post.

Their injuries were fairly minor in the grand scheme of things, but there had been blood everywhere.  Blood and dirt, and splinters from the light post.  Everyone was expected to make a full recovery, but Farlan, the driver, ended up with an infected laceration.  It moved so quickly he went septic.  There was nothing the doctors could do.

Isabel, his sister, became so despondent she had to be hospitalized for treatment.  And Levi?  Levi became obsessed with his own wounds.  He had to be medicated or physically restrained to keep from endlessly washing them, constantly paranoid about infection.  It carried over into washing himself multiple times a day, anxiety welling up in him at the possibility of some invisible cut or hole inviting bacteria into his body.  He would wash himself raw, and that only made him worse.

“Papillon?” Kuchel coaxes, leaning forward in her seat.  Grey eyes are brimming with concern and Eren blushes, embarrassed to have been lost to his flashback.

“I’m sorry, it’s difficult to…” he pauses and shakes his head.  The words he’s about to say aren’t the right ones, so he adjusts.  “He’s come a long way.  He’s worked hard.”

A whispered, “I know,” reaches his ears followed by the warmth of a hand.  It’s a mother’s touch, familiar and welcome.  “You take good care of him, butterfly,” Kuchel stands, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

Eren is unsure if the words are meant as a command or a compliment, but he doesn’t get to ask.  Kuchel is already melting into the shadows of the hallway, presumably retiring for the night.  His fingers curl into his palm to make a fist and he speaks into empty air.

“I try.  I want to.”

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dudes...they are making some connections after just one day LAWL

It’s Eren who is waiting for Levi when he comes out of the bathroom.  There are two in the apartment, a standalone and the en suite within Levi’s bedroom.  It wasn’t a hard choice as to whose room it should be when the two of them moved in.  Eren had wanted to argue for the sake of it, but the truth was that Levi needed it more, and it was too much space for Eren to repaint and redecorate over and over again.

He sits quietly on the bed, hands folded in his lap, head bowed.  He’s already dressed in his pajama pants, though he has foregone a shirt.  Levi can see the small scars that fleck his sides.  Remnants from the accident.  He can also see the finely corded muscle that makes up his arms and the soft roll of his belly while he hunches over.  He’s lean muscle and soft skin.  There’s enough definition to show that he works out, but not so much that he’s overly bulky.

Eren’s always been beautiful.  Not only in appearance, but personality.  He’s personable, social, humorous, and kind.  His eyes light up whenever Levi offers him a piece of candy, and he has a strange affinity for the sea, though he’s a horrendous swimmer.  He basks in sunlight and giggles at pictures of baby animals.

And Levi?  Levi…doesn’t deserve a friend as good as Eren is.  He’s never deserved him.  But somehow, Eren has stayed by his side all these years.  Why?  It’s something he asks himself often.  Why does he stay?  He’s a twenty-nine-year-old bachelor who lives with a thirty-two-year-old of the same status but has considerably less going for him.

But Eren stays.  Eren just…stays.

He can feel himself drooping, regret and guilt churning in his gut as he walks to the bed.  He’s not quite hit the point of wanting to slink about like a beaten dog, but he is so remorseful as to crawl behind Eren, perching on his knees so he can reach upwards and sink his fingers into chaotic chocolate.

“What are you doing?” Eren exhales.  It’s an unnecessary question, because he already knows.

Levi’s fingers comb through tangled strands, fingertips massaging at Eren’s scalp.  “I’m apologizing,” he says, encouraging the brunette to lean back against his chest.  “I shouldn’t have asked you to do this, and I’m sorry.”

“I’m not going to say it wasn’t a hard day,” Eren admits, eyes fluttering at the raven’s touch, “but I’m really ok.  Besides, it’s only for a couple more days.”

“Are you sure?”

Eren smiles, eyes closed, features relaxed, and he nods.  “Yeah, I’m sure.”

“You ready to sleep?”

“I think I’m going to need to draw for a bit but…could you keep doing this?  Just for a little while longer?”

“Oui, papillon,” Levi chuckles, teasing.

 The use of his nickname causes green eyes to open, and Eren finds himself staring into wintery grey.  His tongue draws over his lips and he bites the inside of his cheek before he finally asks, “Why does your mother call you “phalène”?”

Dark brows turn downwards, creating the cutest wrinkles on the bridge of Levi’s nose.  He looks patently annoyed, which Eren finds adorable.  It’s spine-chilling when Levi is sincerely angry, but moments like this, when he’s the slightest bit agitated?  It’s like looking at a kitten that’s accidentally fallen into a bathtub; puffed up, furious, and altogether harmless when it comes down to it.

“I don’t know why she calls me that.”

“No?”

“She’s never told me,” the raven huffs, pulling his fingers out of Eren’s hair to cross his arms.  The brunette whines his displeasure, but Levi’s already scooting away to stand up.  “Maybe she thinks I’m as drab and ugly as the rest of the world does.”

There's the inferiority complex.  He usually does so well at hiding it.

“Your mother wouldn’t think that of you,” Eren shakes his head, sitting up.  “I…I don’t…”

“It’s fine, Gamin.  Really.  Some people are butterflies, some are moths.  That’s just how it is.”

Levi’s voice is laced with sorrow and Eren worries that the breath it steals from his lungs will cause him to pass out.  He hates it.  He hates it, he hates it, he _hates_ it.  Levi’s allowed to be angry, or tired, or happy, but sadness is something he can’t tolerate.  It’s wrong.

“I’m going to turn in for the night.  Stay up as late as you need, you know it won’t bother me any.”

Eren remains silent, eyes tracking the other man as he makes his way around the room, throwing his towel in the hamper and turning off lights.  He still says nothing when Levi climbs into bed and wriggles beneath the covers, rolling onto his side with his back to the brunette.  He’s being shut out and it hurts.  It’s not the first time, it won’t be the last, but it still hurts.

* * *

When Levi wakes, it’s to the scratch of a pencil moving over paper.  He knows Eren is sketching before he opens his eyes.  When his lids part, vision blurred with sleep, it’s Eren that fills his view, fuzzy, but no less present.  Levi obviously rolled over in his slumber.

It’s strange, the raven thinks, how normal it feels to wake up with Eren next to him.  It’s not unwelcome.  It’s not uncomfortable.  He notes that the brunette looks equally relaxed working beside him.  It feels almost like they could be…

_Don’t, Levi._

He presses his lips together to hold back a gasp.  Is it shock he feels?  Longing?  Embarrassment?  Does it really matter?  He asks himself that last question, letting it loop endlessly in the confines of his mind as he takes in the line of Eren’s jaw, rough with stubble.  He beats back the confusion while he watches the sinews in Eren’s forearms contract with the motion of his sketching.  He swallows his fear, studying intense green eyes that are so dutifully focused on his work, only for that same fear to hurtle back up his throat when that same intense stare lands on him.

“I’m sorry, did I wake you?” Eren rumbles.  The light of the lamp from the night stand illuminates his face, further softening already gentle features.  The warm glow makes Eren’s skin look sweet.  Levi doesn’t understand it, how skin can look like something tastes, but Eren’s does.

“You didn’t wake me,” Levi says, voice rough with the remnants of his rest.  He doesn’t bother to lift his head from his pillow, content to lay still and quiet, watching Eren’s mouth as it stretches into a small smile.

_Do I want that to be for me?_

Eren closes his sketch book, setting it on the night stand beside the lamp.  His fingers twitch when they return to his lap.  “You’ve been asleep for three or four hours.  I was going to try myself in a couple of minutes, but I had a…I had to try and finish drawing what I saw.”

“I understand,” is the murmured response the brunette receives.  And Levi does.  He understands Eren.  He understands the oddity that is his brain.  He understands that Eren isn’t the way he is to be difficult or frustrating.  He _can_ be those things, but he isn’t now.  Not now.

Eren’s been awake for the past several hours and he feels sluggish now that he’s stopped working.  The room is peaceful, a familiar stillness weighing him down.  He lets that weight push him towards Levi, his head finding the downy support of his pillow.  The light in his eyes is fading, his eyes going heavy lidded while his body tries to will him into unconsciousness, but he’s not quite ready yet.  There’s something he needs to say.

“I’m sorry I upset you,” he says, his expression earnest,

Levi frowns.  He’s not awake enough for this shit.  “What?  You didn’t upset me, brat.”

Eren is stubborn, though, and he presses on.  “I did.  I was trying to make you understand…well, it doesn’t matter what I was trying to make you understand.  It upset you, and I’m sorry.”

“Oh,” Levi says.  He gets it now.  “Butterflies and moths.”

“Yeah,” Eren nods.  “Butterflies and moths.”

He falls asleep quickly after that, with Levi being the last thing he sees.

Levi doesn’t turn out the light.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are my lifeblood and I NEED THEM <3 <3 <3

Something is tickling Eren’s nose, right along the edges of his nostrils.  It’s not any corporeal entity, but a scent.  It’s savory, and salty, and it makes his mouth water.  Food.  His stomach growls and he growls back, opening his eyes and parting his lips to greet Levi.  
  
He’s not there.  His side of the bed is empty, already neatly made up.  Of course it is, that shouldn’t be a surprise.  After all, he would have had to get up to make breakfast.  That’s fine.  Eren’s grateful for the reprieve.  He wants to see Levi and he doesn’t.  Something about the way he had looked at Eren last night had been unsettling.  Not in a dangerous sort of way, of course not.  But it feels an awful lot like when he was sixteen, confused and questioning his sexuality, and the presence of someone attractive to him made his stomach flip.  
  
The way Levi had looked at him turned his entire intestinal tract into goddamned knots.  
  
It’s because they were sleeping beside each other, that’s all.  Not that such is uncommon for them to begin with.  Levi is a veritable insomniac, and Eren has nightmares during manic phases when he’s unable to find the right way to artistically express himself.  They often find their way into each other’s beds for no reason other than needing the company.  
  
It’s nothing.  The way Levi looked at him didn’t mean anything.  
  
With a wince, Eren sits up and disentangles himself from the sheets.  He’s careful to make his side of the bed, because the wrath of Levi isn’t worth it so early in the day, and grabs one of the t-shirts he’d tucked away in Levi’s dresser.  He’d rather be wearing his robe, but he forgot it in the other bathroom and isn’t so inclined to run into Kuchel without something covering his chest.  It’s ridiculous, really, as she’s seen him half naked on multiple occasions since he was young.  Pool parties and summertime games of neighborhood tag often resulted in half bare boys.  But this is different, like Levi dipping his grape leaves in hummus.  
  
It’s all different.  
  
Isn’t it?  
  
It’s not Levi that Eren spots at the stove when he finally makes his way into the living area.  It’s Kuchel, already showered and dressed, her hair pulled back in a neat bun, not a single strand out of place.  He’s relieved by her presence, but no less disappointed (much to his own chagrin) to find that Levi isn’t present.  
  
“Bonjour, papillon!  As-tu bien dormi?” Kuchel greets him.  She’s far too cheerful for such an early hour.  Eren wonders if Levi is really her son.  Though he’s an early riser, he detests the sunlight.  Kuchel, on the other hand, has the drapes over the kitchen pulled wide open, a wide beam of warmth coloring her cheeks.  
  
Eren has enough presence of mind to respond, “Oui, merci,” though he is positively befuddled.   “Not that I don’t appreciate it, but why are you making breakfast?  You’re the guest here.  We should be cooking for you.”  
  
Kuchel stirs something in a small pot, humming as she does so.  She appears contemplative, the slightest bit of tension in her forehead pulling manicured eyebrows into a thoughtful frown.  “When Mikasa and Levi first moved away from home, I felt that way.  I had this thought that, somehow, I had earned my children doting on me.  I’d paid my dues as it were.  But motherhood isn’t a toll to be paid.  It’s not a thankless job, either.  Not as long as you’ve raised children like mine.  The more time that passes, the more I realize that my job isn’t over, and I don’t want it to be.  I haven’t stopped being a mother simply because my children are grown.  I can’t do everything for them anymore, and I won’t.  That freedom I have earned.  But,” she pauses, pulling the pot off the flame of the stovetop, “there are certain things I’ll never be able to convince myself to stop doing.  Like making breakfast for ma petite phalène.”  
  
“Why do you call him that?” Eren asks, taking a seat at the dining table.  
  
Kuchel sets down a bowl of porridge in front of the brunette.  Milk and honey rests comfortably on top of the hot cereal along with a smattering of apples that have been sautéed in butter, cinnamon, and sugar.  A small plate of bacon with a side of buttered toast completes the meal.  Eren feels homesick.  
  
“Why indeed, papillon?” she says with a cryptic smile.

* * *

Levi enters the dining area to find his mother sitting at the dining room table, staring intently into a mug of coffee.  He’s tempted to turn his ass back around and hide in his bedroom, even finds himself starting to pivot to do so, but Kuchel catches him.  
  
“You aren’t even going to say good morning to your mother, bébé?” she calls after him.  Levi swears he can hear her eyebrow raising.  
  
“I was going to make sure Eren was awake,” he lies.  
  
Kuchel takes a demure sip of her coffee, crossing her legs beneath the table.  “Eren left the house twenty minutes ago,” she tells him flatly.  "You spent almost an hour in the shower."  
  
He’s been caught.  Even worse than that, Eren is apparently gone, which means he is alone with his mother.  Fuckity fuck sticks.  
  
“Eren left?” he says, entering the dining area once again.  “Did he need to pick something up from the store?”  
  
“No.  He mentioned something about doing some last minute touch up work for a client?  He said he’d be home in a couple of hours.”  
  
Motherfucking Erwin.  Levi can already feel himself starting to seethe, but then he remembers that Erwin gave Eren the entirety of Levi’s mother’s visit off.  He doesn’t need to finish the redesign of the apartment until after the holiday, which means…  
  
“He’s avoiding me.”  
  
Kuchel dons her “concerned mother” hat without hesitation.  “Did you have an argument?”  
  
“No, maman.  It’s not that.”  
  
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks.  He has a bowl of porridge and a slice of toast in front of him before he can even think about it.  He doesn’t like bacon.  
  
Does he want to talk about it?  Levi thinks he does.  But he doesn’t even know where to begin.  Certainly not by telling his mother he’s lying to her about his relationship with Eren.  The only thing he can come up with is, “He needs space.  He spent all night sketching. “

“Has he caught your insomnia, ma petite phalène?” Kuchel chuckles.

Levi’s brow creases and he shakes his head, dragging his spoon through the hot cereal.  “Things have been a bit loud for him lately.”

“What do you mean, loud? I don’t understand.”  
  
It’s no surprise that she isn’t able to comprehend what goes on in Eren’s mind.  It’s a rarity for anyone to understand, and Levi still struggles with it himself sometimes.  Regardless, he feels he needs to make an attempt at an explanation.  He can’t sit around and fiddle about with his breakfast all day.  
  
“It’s like constant white noise.  Mental tinnitus.  Sometimes it’s background noise and other times it’s like the volume has been cranked up on an empty radio station.”

“So he draws?” she queries, intrigued.

“He draws, he paints, he redecorates,” Levi sighs.  “Sometimes he can’t create fast enough and he needs a change of environment.  He has to find a way to deal with whatever triggered him.”

Soft fingers brushing over his knuckles startle Levi into looking up and he realizes his mother is holding his hand.  He’s been staring at nothing while they’ve been talking, almost blind to her presence even though he’s been conversing with her.  His heart aches and he can’t keep himself from curling his fingers in his shirt.  There’s more he needs to tell her, but how best to explain it?  When the answer comes to him he doesn’t like it, but enough time has passed that he thinks it’s ok to share.  That Eren would want him to.  
  
“Do you remember my twentieth birthday?”  
  
“I do,” Kuchel replies, the corner of her mouth tipping up in a sad smile.  “It was the first one that Eren ever missed.”

Levi forces himself to swallow, unconsciously squeezing his mother’s hand.  “I told you that he and his family took a last minute trip to see relatives in Germany.”

Kuchel nods, but suspicion has her on high alert.  She watches her son shift in his seat, eyes focused strategically downward.  But he doesn’t let go of her hand.  
  
His voice is almost inaudible when he says, “It wasn’t the truth.”  

“Then what is, Levi?” she asks, tugging at his hand.  “Look at me, bebe.”

Levi obeys, forcing himself to swallow before he tries to speak. The fingers of his free hand twitching beneath the table.  He doesn’t understand why he’s so keyed up.  He takes a deep breath, blows it out, and finds his voice. “Eren had a manic episode spin out of control.  His parents couldn’t get him to…they weren’t able…” he stops, gripping the table edge so tightly his knuckles go white.  “Eren spent that Christmas in a psych ward.”  
  
Kuchel finds herself moving on autopilot, rounding the table as quickly as she can manage.  She pulls Levi up out of his chair and into her arms, a hand rubbing circles between his shoulder blades. 

“Shhh.  Calm down, bebe.  You’re shaking.”

Yes, he is most definitely shaking.  He doesn’t even know why.  This isn’t his secret. 

“I’m sorry, maman…”

Kuchel ignores the apology.  This isn’t something Levi should be apologizing for.  She only hugs her son tighter and asks, “Will Eren be angry that you told me?”

“No.  He’s always made it clear that it was ok if I told you about what happened.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
Levi sighs into her collarbone, effectively hiding himself against her body.  He feels six years old all over again.  “You’re like a second mother to him.  You’ve always trusted him with me, so he decided to trust you with this.”  
  
“And what about you?”  
  
That’s an easy question for him to answer.  “Eren doesn’t tolerate my obsession with showering, or my insomnia, or the fact that I hate sunlight but love the rain,” he says, affection evident in his words.  “He just accepts it.  He doesn’t complain, or mock, or try to change me.  There’s no reason I can’t do the same for him.”  
  
“Are you his trigger right now?”  
  
“I may be,” Levi says, finally pulling away from his mother, scrubbing nonexistent tears from his cheeks.  “I’m sure I’m part of it.  But it’s a complex issue, and the brat is a complex person.”  
  
“How long did the current design in his bedroom take him?”  
  
“A week,” Levi shrugs as if it’s nothing, though he knows the truth behind making such quick progress.  It’s not pretty.  When Eren creates that way it culminates sleepless nights, hand tremors, unpredictable meltdowns, and hidden pill bottles.  
  
“Beautiful minds suffer,” Kuchel murmurs, pressing a kiss to Levi’s temple.  
  
“Maybe,” Levi replies, “but I won’t let him suffer alone.”  
  
Never alone, Eren.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonjour, papillon! As-tu bien dormi? - Hello/good morning, butterfly! Did you sleep well?  
> Oui, merci - Yes, thank you


	7. Chapter 7

There’s tension between the two Ackermans once Levi has revealed Eren’s secret.  Kuchel certainly seems accepting of Eren’s affliction, but the way she looks at Levi is unnerving to him.  He knows that look.  Something unpleasant lies on the other end of that calculating stare.

Discovery.

“You’re lying to me about something,” she tells him.  It’s not an accusation, it’s a statement of fact, and that makes things so much worse.

Levi seeks to retreat by walking to the sink to begin washing dishes.  He can’t leave them to sit, after all.  “I wouldn’t lie to you about…”

“Not about what you said about Eren.  I know that’s the truth.  But you _are_ lying to me.  Levi, you’re my son.  Do you think I don’t know you?”

She knows him too well.

Kuchel drops her gaze to the table, voice weighted with some emotion that only a mother can understand.  “If there’s something going on, you can tell me.  You know that, right?”

He wants to say yes, but he is an utter coward.  In the back of his mind, he knows that she speaks the truth, which he also desires to do.  But he can’t yet.  And she’s looking at him with those eyes that are _his_ eyes.  Eyes that know him.  The only person that knows him better than she does is Eren.  And he’s driven Eren away.  Of course he has.  It was only a matter of time.  Levi is insufferable, and ungrateful, and he has an undeniably caustic personality.  There’s no reason at all for Eren to…

“I’m home.”

Levi’s head snaps towards the voice and in his haste he drops the glass he’s in the middle of washing.  It shatters and he yelps, raising his hand to see crimson flowing freely from a cut on his finger.  His immediate instinct is to bolt for the bathroom, but there is a pressure against his hips pinning him to the counter.  He turns his head expecting to see his mother. There is only brilliant green.

“Let’s start at the very beginning.  A very good place to start,” Eren croons, reaching for the paper towels to his left.  “When you read you begin with…”

“A-B-C…”  Levi responds automatically.

“When you sing you begin with…”

“Do, re, mi.”

Eren’s got Levi’s finger wrapped in paper towel, and he’s squeezing, squeezing so tightly.  He can see Kuchel out of the corner of his eye, standing, wanting to do something.  Eren shakes his head, careful not to disturb Levi as he sings to him.  “Do, re, mi.  That’s good, Levi, what’s next?”

The raven stutters, his voice thick and watery.  He’s trying not to cry.  “S-so, do, la, f-f-fa…”

“…mi, do, re, that’s right.  Keep going.”

“So, do la, t-ti…”

 “…do, re, do.  Good, it’s fine.  It’s ok.” Eren curls his free arm around Levi’s torso, nuzzling his face into dark hair.  He holds Levi’s hand up to help stop the bleeding and presses as much of himself as he can to Levi’s small frame.  “What do we do now?”

Levi takes a deep breath, shudders it out, and sings, “Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf.”

“Oui, oui.” Eren coos.  “Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf.”

“Sept, huit, neuf,” Levi exhales, leaning back into the solid stability that is Eren.  He’s calm enough to be let go, and Eren obliges.  He steps aside to grab a bandage from a drawer, dressing the cut with ointment before covering it up.  The bloody paper towel is carefully tucked into Eren’s hoodie pocket and he makes for the door to dispose of it outside after directing Levi to go sit on the couch. He doesn’t notice Kuchel following him.

“What was that?”

“Jesus Mary Queen of Scots!” Eren shrieks, leaping in the air.  He’s already facing her when he lands.

“What was that?” Kuchel asks again, taking a step forward.

“An anxiety attack.  He’s a lot better than he used to be.  They’re only triggered by actual injury these days,” Eren shrugs, like what he did wasn’t at all unusual.

“I know that!  I’m his mother!  What were _you_ doing?  The singing?”

“Oh, that,” Eren answers.  His cheeks heat with embarrassment, and he lifts his foot to scratch at the back of his calf.  “He had a real bad episode once…don’t remember when exactly.  But he’d always told me that the things his therapists suggested never helped when he panicked.  I didn’t know what else to do for him, so I started singing the first thing I thought of.”

“He's always responded well to music," she admits.  "But why The Sound of Music?”

“Why not?” Eren frowns, though it isn’t directed at Kuchel herself.  “I didn’t realize it at the time, but the beginning of that song is kind of call and answer.  It’s a good way to see how out of it he is.”

Kuchel has to admit that the observation is brilliant.  “What about the second part?  The counting?”

“Heh, that’s from the musical Hamilton.  It’s from a song called “Take a Break.”

She tries to smile, but it feels forced.  “The irony of that is painful to me.”

“Levi said the same thing.”

“Well, he is his mother’s son,” she laughs.  It’s genuine this time.

“I should get back to him,” Eren murmurs, eyes drifting to the apartment door.  “I don’t like leaving him alone when he’s like this.  He starts out ok, but sometimes he breaks a little.  He doesn’t tend to try scrubbing himself raw anymore, but he’ll obsess over bandage changes and ointment.”

Kuchel reaches out to grab the edge of his hoodie sleeve and before either of them knows it, Eren is wrapped up in her embrace.  “Merci. Merci, papillon, de prendre soin de ma petite phalène.”

The brunette gasps, hands frozen in the air as he’s caught by surprise.  When it finally registers that he’s being hugged, he returns the gesture, and a quiet promise.  “Toujours.”

* * *

Eren fidgets in front of the apartment door when they reach it.  He’s uncomfortable again, but it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with Levi.  “When we go back in, I might need to…he tends to need…um…”

“Do what you need to do, Eren.  I can make myself scarce if you need the space.”

“I…thank you,” he mumbles before opening the door. 

Levi is huddled on the couch, socked toes curling into the edge of the cushions.  He’s shivering, but he’s not cold, just overstimulated. Eren grabs the afghan off the back of the couch and wraps it around shaking shoulders, following up by spreading himself along the length of the furniture.  But Levi doesn’t move.  He flicks his eyes back and forth between Eren and his mother, who is watching him far too closely.

“There are some novels in my room, Kuchel, if you’re interested in reading for a bit?”

She can take a hint.  “I actually brought a couple of things along myself, and a bit of a rest sounds nice right about now.”

The moment she takes her leave, Levi moves over to crawl up Eren’s body and tuck his face in the crook of his neck.  He inhales, exhales, and sings, "Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf.”

“Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf,” Eren sings back.

Levi begins to relax, the tension in his body melting away as Eren’s body heat warms his skin.  He speaks against Eren’s throat, the barest brush of his lips able to be felt on tan skin. “Je suis désolé, Gamin…”

“Ne t'excuse pas. Pas pour ça. Jamais pour ça,” Eren chides, rubbing small circles over Levi’s spine.

The raven’s admonishment comes quickly.  “Ta prononciation est toujours de la merde.”

“Oui, petit chat.”

Levi snorts but doesn’t try to slug the brunette.  He must really be worn out.  It was a long day. 

Eren stretches and yawns beneath his diminutive charge, patting his lower back to quell the idea that he’s getting up to go anywhere.  He has no intentions of leaving.  Not ever.  He made a promise, after all.

Thoughts of that promise lull him to sleep along with the comfort Levi’s weight on his chest, the soft breath in his ear lending him the peace he’d missed last night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ,6 ,7, 8, 9  
> Oui, oui - Yes, yes  
> Merci. Merci, papillon, de prendre soin de ma petite phalène - Thank you. Thank you, butterfly, for caring for my little moth  
> Toujours - Always  
> Je suis désolé, Gamin - I'm sorry, brat  
> Ne t'excuse pas. Pas pour ça. Jamais pour ça - Don't apologize. Not for this. Never for this.  
> Ta prononciation est toujours de la merde - Your pronunciation is still shit  
> Oui, petit chat - Yes, kitten


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Levi...oh, honey.
> 
> I love writing Kuchel, btw. She's a lot of fun.

Sleep is something that has eluded Levi consistently throughout his life.  He’s never slept well, not even as a young child.  After the accident, things only got worse.  He’s a chronic insomniac with a high resistance to medication.  Sleep aids don’t work on him.  He’s happy to get three or four hours of sleep a night.  That is why he is so disinclined to wake, though an insistent chirping noise seems to be dead set on rousing him.

The raven groans, trying to tune out the noise, willing it to stop.  He’s warm and his mattress is firm and his pillow smells of clove and cinnamon.  It smells like Eren.  The fog of fatigue keeps Levi lightly sedated, though his awareness of the scent being reminiscent of his best friend makes his fingertips tingle and twitch.  They brush against something soft and a warm breeze blows past Levi’s ear.  A warm breeze in December is certainly peculiar, but he can’t process how out of place it is when he’s so far from being coherent.  The stupid bird, wherever it had come from, has at least halted its infernal peeping.

With a soft moan, Levi nuzzles into his pillow more deeply, scrunching up his nose as the fabric scrapes along his jaw.  The tension in his body dissipates when his nose finds a pocket of odor, heavy and heady with the scent of spice.

_Eren._

Levi rolls his hips and shudders when his half hard cock makes contact with his bed.  The friction is delicious.  However, it is completely unexpected when his bed responds in kind, an equal hardness pressing into his upper thigh.  A thready sigh follows the action and it has Levi’s eyes flying open.  Half-lidded emerald irises are focused on him, pupils blown wide.  Those eyes also appear glazed over, as if they’re not seeing anything at all.

He has no time to ruminate on his error, noting the sound of footsteps (and that goddamn chirping noise) traveling down the hallway in his direction.  The raven sits up with a bit of difficulty, his hands slipping against Eren’s chest.  The brunette grumbles and raises his hips again, grinding more firmly against his couch-mate.   Levi’s more than awake now, and he scrambles to remove himself before…

Before what!?  He doesn’t know.  All he knows is he needs to get off.

 _Shut the fuck up, treacherous brain!_ Levi scolds himself.

“Levi?” Kuchel calls out to him.

“Maman!” he yelps, struggling with the afghan wound around him only to end up toppling to the floor.

“Levi?” Eren mumbles groggily.  “What’re you doin’ down there?”

“Counting the carpet fibers in the coffee rug!” he snarls.  And Eren just blinks at him, eyes still clouded over from his nap.  His hair is a mess and he looks like a complete dope.  It makes Levi angry.  It makes Levi angry because it’s attractive as fuck and he _doesn’t know why_.  It never has been before, so why is it now!?

Kuchel has rounded the couch at last, Levi’s cell phone in hand.  “Levi, this alarm on your phone keeps going off,” she says, offering him the device. 

Ah.  It was his med reminder cheeping at him so obnoxiously.

Eren swings his legs over the side of the couch, indulging in a yawn and stretch, cracking his neck in the process.  “Med time already?  How long were we out?”

Levi peeks at his phone, glaring at the screen.  “A couple of hours,” he sighs, a palm drawing over his cheek.  “Why didn’t your shitty submarine alarm go off?”

The brunette shrugs, leaning forward so his forearms rest on his knees.  “Phone’s probably dead.  It needed charging when I got home.”  He says nothing else.  He doesn’t want Levi thinking he was a problem.

Levi hums, pulling himself up from the floor.  His tumble off the couch was enough of a shock to kill his boner.  He can be thankful for that at least.  “Come on,” he huffs, tugging at Eren’s shirt sleeve before walking to the kitchen.  “Time for cheers.”

“Cheers?” Kuchel says.  “What’re you toasting?”

“Our good mental health,” Eren quips over his shoulder.

Kuchel observes quietly as the two grab a couple of pill bottles from the cabinet and tap their respective medications into their palms.  Levi fills glasses with water, hands one to Eren, and they commence their “toast.”

“Kanpai!” Eren chuckles.

Levi can’t keep away his smile, small as it is.  “Salud!”

“You two are utterly ridiculous.”

“He’s ridiculous,” Levi scoffs.  “I keep him in line.”

Eren chortles, pulling Levi into his arms to hug him from behind.  His fingers close around dainty wrists, gingerly rubbing scarred skin.  “You like me this way.”

Levi sure does.  More than he ever imagined he could.

Shit.

* * *

“I need to go change,” Eren speaks into the top of Levi’s head.  “You were surprisingly warm and I got a bit sweaty while we were asleep.”

The raven attempts to shrug, though it’s quite difficult with Eren’s arms constricting him.  “Do what you want.” His tone is flippant, but his heart is banging around in his ribcage like a coked up squirrel.  Is he going to die?  He feels like he’s going to die.

“Don’t be too long, papillon!  I ordered Chinese food for dinner!”

Eren’s eyes light up with excitement.  He’s 29 fucking years old, and it’s ridiculous how excited he gets over the idea of take out, but Levi still finds it endearing as fuck.  With a promise of a quick return, he darts down the hallway and into his bedroom.

“You didn’t have to do that, maman.  We could have cooked.”

Kuchel arches a dark eyebrow, arms crossing over her chest as if to say, _really_?  “I don’t trust either one of you around fire or sharp objects tonight.  For heaven’s sake, Levi, it’s Chinese take-out, not a seven course dinner.”

Looking properly abashed, Levi peeks at her from beneath his lashes.  “Did you get orange beef?”

“It’s Eren’s favorite, of course I did.  Chicken and broccoli and lo mein, too.”

“Veggie?”

“Always.”

“White rice, not fried?”

“You’re speaking to me as if I don’t know my own sons!” Kuchel feigns insult.

Levi swallows roughly, wondering if he’d heard her correctly.  “Sons?”

“Well, Eren’s been around since he was, what, twelve?”

“He latched onto me after I defended his friend Armin from bullies.  I’ve never been able to get rid of him,” Levi scoffs.  His attempt at displaying annoyance is a notable failure.

“You try and make it sound like he’s a leech, bébé, but he’s really more like ivy wound around a trellis.”

There's an implied, “isn’t he?” in his mother’s observation and Levi doesn’t like it one goddamn bit.

“You two have an interesting dynamic for sure,” she continues.  “But with the way things have been for so long, and the way things are now, it’s too strange for me to try and think of him as anything other than part of our family.”

“Could we…could we not?  Please?  We haven’t even…we haven’t…”

“Had sex?” Kuchel interjects.  “I mean, if it’s been three months, I’m not going to lie to you sweetie, that seems a bit odd.  The two of you don’t strike me as the type to not…”

“GAMIN!” Levi screeches, turning to scurry down the hallway.  He’s running away from his mother.  He is _literally_ running away from his mother.  It’s pathetic as fuck and he _does not care_ , because he absolutely cannot right now.  He can’t.  He _cannot_!

Kuchel, left behind in the living room to fend for herself, plops down on the couch and rolls her eyes.  “Prude,” she chuckles, resting her head in her hand.  “I hope he realizes how good he has it.”


	9. Chapter 9

Eren’s digging through his dresser drawers, trying to find something “suitable” to wear, though he knows it's an excuse.  All he’s doing is stalling for time.  He needs to be alone for a couple of minutes.  Just for a little while.  He needs time to calm the fuck down, because his stomach is crawling up his throat and his heart feels like it’s going to drop out of his ass any second.

The whole of what had transpired after Levi had injured himself was completely normal for them.  They’ve perfected the system in all the time they’ve spent together.  It had all been routine, right down to falling asleep together on the couch.  What had not been routine was the way Levi had moved against Eren as he woke.  The way he’d moaned against Eren’s throat and traced his jaw behind his ear.

 _“Does the idea of fucking me bother you?_ ”Levi’s voice winds through Eren’s mind.  He thinks about the press of the raven’s small body against his own.  The teasing hint of heat in his steely eyes.  It most decidedly does _not_ bother him, and that is troubling.

The brunette had initially thought he was dreaming, which was disturbing enough on its own.  Levi’s behavior while they both returned to reality made it patently clear that Eren hadn’t made it up.  The raven had refused to look at him for any length of time, eyes flicking off to the side or down to his feet.  He had tensed when Eren had hugged him as opposed to relaxing into the hold as he normally would.  What hurt more than anything, though, was Levi’s reaction to Eren’s (unplanned) advance.  He hadn’t been able to get away fast enough.  He’d looked utterly disgusted.

“I’m an idiot,” the brunette mutters to himself, pulling a sweater over his head.  He’s barely gotten his arms through the sleeves when he hears Levi squall “GAMIN!” from the hallway.  He doesn’t make it to the door.  Levi’s already bursting into the room, slamming the door shut with jarring force.

“My mother thinks we should be fucking!” the raven hiss whispers.

“Uhhh…”

Like a balloon with a leak, Levi starts gushing while sliding down the wall.  “She called you her son, and I didn’t understand why, and she sort of explained, but I thought it was a little weird and so I tried to tell her that we haven’t even said “I love you”, and she decided that meant that we weren’t having sex, which she thinks is weird!  What kind of mother tries to analyze her child’s sex life!?”

Eren stares in dumbfounded silence.  Levi’s fingers are twisted in his dark hair, eyes wide and wild, chest expanding with heaving breaths, and…it’s funny.  It’s hysterical.  It is _hilarious_.  Eren can’t contain himself anymore, bursting into raucous laughter while Levi looks on, his terror quickly transforming to ire.

“Don't laugh!”

“Why not?  It's funny, you damn prude!” the brunette laughs harder, gasping for breath.

“It’s not prudish to not want my _mother_ to know who I am or am not boning!” Levi growls.

Eren smirks, not the least bit sorry about his outburst.  “While I can agree to some extent, aren’t you usually on the receiving end of the boning?”

“That’s not the point!

“Then what is the point, Levi?  Why are you so damn upset?  We’re not actually dating, so this shouldn’t be that big a deal,” Eren scowls, mood souring further.  The admission, the remembrance that they aren’t actually involved, is a shock to his system.  He doesn’t like the reminder, and that is problematic.

Levi wants to argue but he can’t, because Eren’s not wrong.  This is his fault.  The entire ordeal has stirred up feelings he’s never considered and it makes him feel sick.  He’s also certain his mother knows he’s lying.  Not about dating Eren specifically, but about something.  The way she keeps looking at him is telling, and it only puts him more on edge.  He needs to tell the truth.  Several truths, in actuality.  But who does he come clean to first?  His mother?  Eren?  Neither?  Both? 

He isn’t allowed any time to contemplate his answers.  Kuchel is calling them to dinner.

* * *

“I talked to Mikasa today,” Kuchel says, doling out rice.  “She said she could come by to celebrate tomorrow evening.”

Levi’s too busy poking at his lo mein to acknowledge her.  A sharp pain in his ankle has him sitting upright and he sees Eren scowling at him.  “What?”

“Your mother said that Mikasa is coming by tomorrow night to celebrate your birthday.”

A sharp retort is waiting on Levi’s tongue.  He can taste it and it’s bitter.  He bites down on the muscle with a grunt, choosing to nod in acknowledgement rather than open his mouth.  He can tell that Eren is unhappy with him and he’d be wise not to make it worse.

“Will Jean be with her?” Eren queries before shoving another forkful of rice and beef into his mouth.  He’s never been terribly fond of Jean, but he’s never hated the man either.  Their relationship is “adversarially magnanimous” as Levi says.  Eren doesn’t understand why he won’t use the word “frenemy”.  It's accurate.

“Jean’s staying behind to take care of the kids.  They’re going to see his family on Christmas day,” Kuchel provides.

“It’s strange to realize that Mikasa has children,” Eren muses.  “It seems like just yesterday we were kids ourselves.”

A wistful sigh escapes Kuchel, her expression warm as she regards the two men sitting beside her.  “Tell me about it.”  When had they grown up?  “I can’t believe I’m a grandmother.”

“You’ve been a grandmother for six years, maman.  Twice over, even.”

“And I’ve been a mother for thirty-five, but it goes by faster than you think it would.  You two will understand someday.”

Eren’s face burns hot at the assertion.  Kids?  _Kids!?_   With who!?

“Fucking Christ on a cross!” Levi exclaims.  “Are you trying to give him a heart attack!?”

The raven’s outburst pulls Eren back into the conversation and he frantically waves his hands before picking up his water glass and pressing it to his cheek.  “It’s fine!  It’s ok!  Really, it’s not a big deal!  Kids just aren’t something I’ve…that’s not something we’ve talked about.”

A family.  With Levi?  Is that…does he want that?  That’s not something he can fathom right now.  He’s too busy trying to wrap his mind around the notion that he feels some sort of way about his best friend.  Some sort of way that is decidedly more than friendship.  Eren needs to deal with one terrifying revelation at a time.  He is not equipped to handle this.

And Levi doesn’t even know what to say.  He’s flabbergasted.  His mother has always been a meddlesome woman, but this is beyond the pale.  There are so many emotions swirling in him he doesn’t know what to do with himself.  When he finally finds his voice, he can only think of one word.

“Why?”

He stands from the table and moves to the entry way, pulling on his boots.  He dons his jacket and scarf next, slips his fingers in his gloves, and says nothing.  He knows he’s being watched.  Out of the corner of his eye he sees his mother opening her mouth to speak, but Eren grabs her hand and shakes his head no.

Levi exits the apartment in silence, the door closing with a soft click of the latch, and he fades away into the white winter.

He hopes he disappears.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, but the stopping point felt natural to me.

Once Levi has successfully made his escape Eren leans back in his chair, pushing his plate away from himself.  He’s not hungry anymore.  Kuchel is looking at him, waiting for an explanation.  There’s an expectation there and Eren doesn’t care for it, but there’s not much he can do with her stare pinning him down.

“He doesn’t like people seeing him that way.”

“I’m his mother.”

“That doesn’t matter right now.”

Kuchel frowns, and that frown is so _Levi_ in nature that Eren feels himself wanting to soften.  But he can’t.  Levi’s out in the cold, brooding and angry, and Eren knows he has to go fetch him.  He excuses himself and starts collecting containers and utensils to begin watching dishes and putting away food. 

“What are you doing?  Surely this can wait until…”

“It can’t,” Eren intones, proceeding to scoop lo mein into tupperware.  “He can’t stand it when food is left out.”

“It’s freezing outside!  We can’t leave him out there!” Kuchel presses.  It’s clear that she wants to take care of her child, and she wants to do so right this instant.  But something about her words doesn’t sit right with Eren, and he snaps before he can stop himself.

“I know you’re his mother, but you don’t know everything about him.”

“That’s absurd! Of course I do!”

Eren slams down a rice container, the cardboard buckling under the impact. “No you don’t!” he bellows.  “You don’t!  You can’t!  There are some things that only I know, Kuchel!  There are some things about Levi that I know how to deal with better than you do!  So could you _please_ let me do what I do?!”

Kuchel steps back when Eren explodes.  She’s not afraid of him by any means as she's always known he had a temper, but his anger has never been directed at her before.  She can’t say she understands.

“You said to take good care of him.  That’s what I’m doing right now,” Eren mutters, head dropped in shame.  “When he’s angry, he stays in the house and hides in the bedroom.  When he’s overwhelmed, he does what I do.  He leaves.  He won’t come back on his own, I’ll have to go get him.  But that doesn’t mean I can go right away.  He still needs time to decompress.”  Eren takes a shuddering breath.  There are tears pricking his eyes and he is doing his damnedest to hold them at bay.  Kuchel can’t seem him cry.  Not over this.  “The more he’s pushed, the farther away he gets.  Why are you pushing him so hard?”

“He’s lying to me, Eren,” is all she manages to say.  She raises a hand to her mouth and exhales into her palm.  She doesn’t want to cry in front of Eren, either.

Eren can feel himself go rigid, but he manages to ask, “What do you think he’s lying about?”

“I don’t know.  I only know that he is.  He’s always been cagey and private.  He’s never liked me prying, but this feels so much different.”  She laughs, but it’s humorless.  “I don’t know how you put up with him.”

“Do you think that’s what I do?  Put up with him?”

Kuchel looks up to find Eren watching her for a change, and his expression isn’t particularly welcoming.  Though it’s odd to see him appearing so hardened he slowly relaxes, walking in her direction.

“I need to show you something,” he says, continuing by.

She’s hesitant, but her curiosity outweighs her concern and she follows Eren down the hall.  They stop in front of the guest room and she takes note of Eren’s intake of breath before he opens the door and invites her in. 

All the furniture is gathered in the center of the room and draped with protective sheets.  The walls are six or seven different colors of various pastels, striping covering every surface.  Shapes are painted everywhere, their application slapdash and thoughtless.  None of the color schemes go together.  There’s no cohesion at all.  It’s chaotic and disorganized, and something about the space feels exhausting and uncomfortable.

“Levi told me the room had been repainted,” Kuchel breathes out.  The graphics are overstimulating and she shifts back and forth on the balls of her feet while she looks around.

Eren allows her to take her time.  He watches her eyes sweep over every corner of the room, sees her grow pale as she inspects and explores.  The room makes him uncomfortable, too.  He understands that much.

“What happened in here?”

“A manic episode,” Eren states, his face blank, almost apathetic.  “Levi takes medication for his OCD.  I take medication for this.”

Kuchel’s expression falls, her eyes soft, shining with tears.  Eren knows that look, and he hates it.  He hates it, he _hates_ it, so goddamn much.

“I don’t put up with Levi.  If anything, he puts up with me.  I redesigned the bedroom last month and I fell into another manic phase a couple of weeks before you came.  He wouldn’t let me repaint my room again.”

“Why?” she whispers.  She’s afraid of the answer.  It’s ridiculous, but she can’t help herself.

“Because he knows me.  Better than anybody should know me, honestly.  Because he knew that I wasn’t creating, I was just…purging,” Eren replies, waving his hand around the room.  “This is what my mind is like, even when I’m medicated.  This is the level medication has brought things down to.”

“Brought down?”

Eren’s admission is quick and honest.  “It used to be a lot worse.  I’ve lost friends over it, and Levi and I had some really tough times because of it.  But he’s never, ever looked at me the way you’re looking at me right now.”

“The way I’m…?”

“Pity.  Which is worse than disdain, honestly.  I can handle people hating me, but not feeling sorry for me.”

Kuchel frantically searches for a way to respond.  She doesn’t want Eren believing that it’s only pity she feels.  “Your bedroom is beautiful.”

“My bedroom is a lie, Kuchel,” he says quietly.  It’s a laughable moment of truth when he considers the larger falsehood he’s trying to protect.  “This room you’re standing in?  This is who I would be all the time if I didn’t have Levi.  This is who I am at least some of the time with Levi.  And he accepts it.  Not because he has to, but because he wants to.”

“It’s ugly.”

“Yeah.  I hate it.”

“I’m sorry,” she says, taking Eren’s large hand in her own.  “Even mothers can be wrong.  All I want is to protect him.”

Eren squeezes her hand gently, a cautious smile on his face.  “We protect each other.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took so long. I was struggling

Eren leaves the room before Kuchel does, returning to the kitchen to finish putting food away.  He doesn’t know what she’s thinking, and, as much as he hates to admit it, he doesn’t want to know.  There are few people who know about his affliction.  Even though he’s an incredibly open person, Eren is still human.  He has regrets, there are things he is ashamed of and embarrassed by.  There are things he doesn’t want to deal with.

His illness is one of those things.

He sighs and rubs at his neck, trying to ease the tension out of his tendons.  He can see Kuchel moving around the kitchen trying to avoid him while putting away the leftovers.  Her eyes raise to look at him only for her to avert her gaze when he notices.  Eren doesn’t like to admit how much that avoidance hurts.

People all too often look at him the way Kuchel had.  Once they find out what goes on in his mind they put him at a distance.  Reactions run the gamut from pity to fear.  He’s experienced them all.  And the result is always the same.  He’s no longer trusted, even though nothing about him has changed.  Levi isn’t like other people, and it isn’t because he doesn’t react to Eren being sick.  It’s because he refuses to treat him as a leper.

The thought makes him smile.  

Eren’s never managed to shake the memory of how Levi had looked at him when he’d come to visit him in the hospital.  It was probably the most expressive he’d ever seen the other man.  It was like he was trying to figure out the best thing to do, to say.  Eren had expected Levi to be snarky.  He’d expected to be poked at and made fun of, and he wanted that reprieve.  That sense of normalcy.  But Levi hadn’t provided it.

Levi had asked him, “how are you?”  It was the same question Eren had heard for two days.  It was a question he had quickly grown to despise, anger rising each time the inquiry was made.  But when Levi asked, he’d done so with clouded grey eyes boring straight into medicated, dull green.  It had been a challenge.  A dare for Eren to lie to him, to pretend that he was fine.

Eren wasn’t able to pretend anymore.  He’d broken down into a sobbing, heaving mess, wetting Levi’s sweater with his tears, his face sticky with his own snot.  It had been the lowest point of his life, and Levi never complained.  He’d sat in Eren’s bedroom, on his bed, in a goddamn psych ward, and let him bawl until he’d almost passed out.

 “What are you doing here?” he’d asked.  

“It’s my birthday,” Levi had replied, as if Eren were an idiot.  Like he didn’t know when his best friend’s birthday was.  Of course he knew.  But he’d only allowed Levi on his visitors list because he’d hysterically called for him in the midst of another episode.  He hadn’t expected him to show up.

The memory was shameful, because of course Levi would come.  How could Eren have doubted that?  But he still didn’t understand.  Not then.  He’d asked Levi why he came when it was Christmas Day, and his birthday, and he should have been spending it with his family.

“Why wouldn’t I spend it with you, brat?” he’d said, fingers combing through sweaty hair.  It had been a tangled mess and Eren was positive that he stunk, but Levi had ignored it in favor of soothing him.

That day was the first time that Eren told Levi he loved him.  Levi hadn’t said it back, and that was ok.  His response had been to press their temples together, his fingers tangling deeper in mussed russet.  That comfort combined with Levi’s presence made it clear to Eren that he felt the same.

But now, twelve years past his first psychotic break, Eren wonders if what he’d said then bore a different meaning.  If he had meant that he loved Levi as more than a friend.

His fingers tingle at the thought, a prickling sensation running up his forearms.  He doesn’t have the time to think about it, though.  It’s been forty-five minutes and he needs to bring Levi home.  Kuchel has been skirting around him, placing food in the fridge as he finished packing it.  Now she’s standing off to the side, just out of reach, waiting.

He pulls on his boots, throws on his jacket, and grabs his scarf and mittens before giving her instructions.  “Could you put on a pot of tea, please?  There’s a vanilla chai in the cupboard I’m sure he’ll want.”

“Do you even know where he is?” she asks.  It’s hard for her to believe that anybody could know her son better than she does, but Eren has made it patently clear that such is the case.

“There’s a park a couple of blocks away.  It’s where he always goes.”

Kuchel fills the kettle while Eren finishes dressing.  She turns on the heat just as he opens the door, and she can’t keep from calling after him.  “Papillon?”

He stiffens, keeping his eyes on the open entryway.  “Yes?”

“Why do you do all of this?”

Eren turns to look at her, struggling to swallow the lump in his throat.  He has an answer.  He knows what it is she wants to hear, what he wants to say.  He feels it wanting to escape.

He doesn’t let it.

“Like I said, we protect each other.”  The substitute answer he offers tastes like ash in his mouth, but he’s not comfortable with the alternative.  He’s not ready.

Kuchel simply nods.  “Be careful.  It’s cold out.”

“Yeah,” he says, cheeks aflame.  “We’ll be home soon.”

* * *

The air is crisp and cold against Levi’s skin.  His face is numb and his thighs sting from the friction of walking in frigid weather.  It’s not painful, but it annoys him.  The sensation of itching is already present and he wants to scratch himself raw.  But all he can do is lean back on the bench he occupies and turn his head skyward.

Snow is falling, delicate flakes dipping and weaving their way down from the heavens.  He wrinkles his nose when one lands there, the frozen crystals promptly melting when they make contact with his skin.  That tiny bit of chill bleeds away with the warmth of his body.

Levi finds himself envying the snowflake.

He blows out a harsh breath and closes his eyes, the skin of his lids twitching each time a new flake lands on him.  He understands his mother means well.  She’s doing what mothers do best, which is worry about their children.  But her presence is becoming overbearing, and the lie that Levi has woven is hanging on by a proverbial thread.  Even worse, he’s come to realize that he doesn’t want the lie to be a lie at all.  That epiphany had come when she’d referred to Eren as her son, and now butterflies are having a paroxysmic fit within the confines of his gut.  He can’t decide if he’s terrified or giddy.

Levi really wants to be a melting snowflake.

It is both foolish and ridiculous, Levi acknowledges, to be upset about his mother’s declaration.  It is in no small part because of him that she would say such a thing.  After all, he was the one who had told her that Eren viewed her as a second mother.  His words had brought him here and his turmoil was his own fault.

The twisting in Levi’s gut is made worse by his newfound awareness of his feelings towards Eren.  He’s loved Eren for a long time, but Levi’s always viewed that affection in terms of deep friendship.  The possibility of those feelings being romantic in nature hasn’t ever occurred to him.  Levi’s an intelligent man, but he’s never felt dumber in his entire life.

As someone who prides himself on self-awareness, Levi can concede that he’s socially awkward.  His surly behavior is oft misconstrued as rudeness, and his inability to refrain from making shit jokes when he’s uncomfortable are testaments to his conversational clumsiness.  He drives people away without trying to do so, and tries his best to convince himself that he’s ok with the solitude.  But then, he’s never really been alone.  Eren has been with him.  Eren has been with him for almost twenty goddamn fucking years, and that’s also something he has been fully cognizant of.

So why is it that he’s been unable to recognize the symptoms of being in love?  Is he truly so emotionally stunted?  It would make sense, he supposes, since he’s never been in a relationship that lasted longer than a couple of weeks.  

Pathetic.

Levi stands, rolling his neck before turning his face to the sky again.  His hand is reaching up, up, up into the grey before he can stop himself.  He doesn’t know what he’s reaching for.  He doesn’t know what he’s trying to grasp.  His hand closes around nothing and the emptiness in his palm mirrors the void in his chest.  Snowflakes collect on his gloves, though he doesn’t shake them off.  He does blink them away when they airily settle on his eyelashes, surprisingly heavy considering their fragile construction.

“I’m lost,” he breathes out.

“No you’re not,” a voice resonates in the stillness.

Eren.

“I found you .”

Of course.  Because Eren always finds Levi.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. I know it's been a minute. I spent a month severely sick and had a real bad case of writer's block. You can thank ittybittyteapot for helping me work through the latter half.
> 
> The chapter is short, but I think it has a lot of substance. I'm happy with it. Please enjoy :)

The walk to the park is cold and lonely, and Eren can’t help but think Levi feels the same way.  Desolate and isolated.  He ponders the many possible meanings of the “Why?” Levi had directed to his mother.  There were multiple questions wrapped up in that one word.   _Why won’t you stop picking?  Why do you keep asking?  Why isn’t what I have enough_?  It was more than bothersome that Eren could do nothing to ease Levi’s pain.  

Everything hurts right now, and Eren doesn’t like it.  He tries to lose himself in the sound of his own footsteps, the crunch of crystalline ice beneath his soles soothing his aching heart.  The sting of the wind along his cheeks is invigorating, motivating him to continue trudging onward until he finds his lost treasure.

Eren finds his prize in short order, a small hand reaching up into the snowy sky, fingers grasping at nothing.  Light from a nearby park lamp illuminates Levi’s silhouette.  Eren’s breath catches in his throat and he feels a rush of warmth spreading in his chest.  It’s uncomfortable, but not unwelcome.  He’s unsure if he should make his presence known, and so he stands in silence, allowing alabaster flakes to collect on his jacket.  He waits, and waits, and waits, until…

“I’m lost.”

Levi’s broken words hit his ears and Eren’s speaking before he can think to stop himself.  “No you’re not,” he says gently.  

Levi turns his head, a gaze greyer than the sky overhead falling on Eren.  His lashes flutter to shake away the wet flakes that have landed there.  One lands on a pale cheek, melting away to track down Levi’s face in a glassy bead.  His hand lowers, finally dropping to his side, fingers curling into a tight fist.  There’s still nothing there.

“I found you,” Eren speaks again, the smallest of smiles tugging at the edges of his mouth.  He doesn’t wait for Levi to ask him what he’s doing there or why he didn’t leave him alone.  He doesn’t allow himself to dwell on how beautiful Levi looks against the snowy landscape or the relief he feels at having found him.  Now’s not the time.

Levi frowns, though annoyance doesn’t reach his eyes.  “What are you doing here?”  It’s a stupid question, Levi knows, but he asks it all the same.

“I was worried about you.”

“You’re always worried about me,” Levi scoffs.

“Guilty,” Eren shrugs, smile still in place.  He takes the opportunity to move forward, stopping just in front of Levi to look down at him.

Levi finds himself crumbling under Eren’s bright-eyed gaze and he averts his eyes.  He can’t stop the blush coloring cheeks, though.  “I would have come home,” he says.  The unspoken “eventually” hangs heavy in the air.

Eren laughs, arms extending to wrap around Levi.  It strikes Eren, though not for the first time, how small Levi is. How very fragile he is as a person.  He strong in a great many ways, of course.  Ways that are surprising and unexpected to those who don’t know him, but all the same, Levi is human.  He’s flawed and imperfect.  It’s why Eren’s laughter is pained instead of joyful.  It’s why he sheds tears he didn’t realize he was holding back.

Levi’s nestled into Eren’s embrace, his hands resting on hips wider than his own.  Everything about Eren is just so goddamn _big_.  Not just his size, but the way he laughs, the way he lives...the way he loves.  All of those things are what make it impossible for Levi to ignore Eren’s crying, especially while he’s trying to stifle himself against Levi’s jacket.

“Gamin?”

“Why are we still doing this, Levi?  It’s making you miserable.  I see it.  I’m not stupid you know.  You don’t have to pretend to be with me when it obviously disgusts you.”

Levi can feel his eye twitch, followed by the icy blast of air inside his lungs as he inhales sharply.  His fingers seize up in Eren’s coat and he leans into his much larger frame.  Being with Eren is disgusting?  Never.   _Never_.  A thousand lifetimes could pass and being with Eren could only ever be wonderful.  All Levi could ever need.  And that’s the catalyst.  It’s what makes Levi shove himself further into Eren’s trembling embrace.

“She thinks I can’t take care of myself.  I’m no good without someone,” he mutters.

“That’s not true, Levi.”

He feels himself sinking, drowning, trying to hide himself away in Eren’s hold.  “She thinks I don’t try hard enough with relationships.  I’m too picky.  Too surly.”

“It’s _not true_ , Levi.”

“She doesn’t know how hard I try.  How much I want someone to want me.”  Levi hesitates before he speaks again, his voice weighed down with pain.  “No one ever wants _me_.”

“It’s not true, Levi.” _I want you._

Grey blue eyes are staring directly into red rimmed green.  Eren’s expression is soft, his presence undemanding.  There’s something swimming in those depths that is both familiar and foreign.  Levi can feel his face heating up under his gaze.  The sensation of damp wool on either side of his cheeks cools his skin again.  Eren’s mittens, Levi realizes.  His thumbs are brushing away the snowflakes that land on Levi’s face, and his lips, cherry red and plump with the cold, look so inviting.  He’s _right there_.  All Levi has to do is lean forward.  All he has to do is _move._  

“They were all wrong, Levi.”

“Wrong?” he exhales, watching those perfect lips move.  He wants to kiss them.

“Maybe you are “surly” or whatever,” Eren frowns, “but that’s not all you are.”

“Isn’t it?”

Eren shakes his head and leans forward, pulling Levi’s face closer to his own.

_Almost._

Their foreheads touch, and Eren keeps looking at Levi, refusing to give up their connection.  It eases the ache of disappointment in Levi’s gut.

“You’re smart, and sweet, and kind.  You may go about things unconventionally sometimes, but you only have someone’s best interests in mind.”

“Gamin…”

“If others can’t see those things then they’re not worthy of you.  You’re not the problem, Levi.  They should love you for who you are.”  _Like I do._


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's back, and I'm real happy about it.
> 
> Thanks to IttyBittyTeapot for editing <3 <3 <3

Eren’s not sure how long he stands with Levi, their gazes locked on each other, warm breath puffing against chilled lips.  What Eren _is_ sure of is that they can’t stay like this any longer.  He’ll steal the kiss he’s not sure he’s ready for. Levi certainly wouldn’t be ready.  He probably isn’t even willing. That thought alone is enough to quash any further thoughts Eren has on the matter.

“Ready to head home?” Eren asks with a tip of his head and a glance over his shoulder.  He can see the footprints that lead him to Levi. His stomach aches with the distance he’s putting between them.

Levi feels the disconnect happen when Eren turns away.  He’s put up a wall and Levi doesn’t understand why. Regardless, he’s not ready to face his mother yet and he answers Eren’s query with a shake of his head.  “Not yet,” he says, blaming the rising heat in his cheeks on the cold air. “Why don’t we go to Chandelier?”

Eren’s eyes go wide and bright.  His interest is piqued. The vanilla chai he asked Kuchel to start is forgotten in favor of thinking about a sweet treat.  Orange cake? Or perhaps a lemon tart. Oh, but there’s an amazing chocolate chip croissant, too...

“I’ll buy you your favorite cheesecake.”

Cheesecake!  That’s more than perfect and Eren can do little more than squeak, bouncing up and down on his toes.  He can already taste sweet, creamy goodness on his tongue. He wastes no time in seizing Levi’s small hand, tugging him toward the sidewalk.

“Jesus Christ, are you five?  It’s just cheesecake!” Levi huffs.  

“Less talky more walky!”

Levi’s stumbling behind a man on a mission and it’s a wonder he’s not fallen flat on his face.  Eren’s strides are long and purposeful, speaking to his determination of reaching the bakery and filling his mouth with sugary goodness.  

Levi concedes it’s not all bad.  Eren’s grip is firm and sure, just as Eren himself is.  There’s no way he’ll let Levi go. That’s just fine because Levi doesn’t want to let go either.

* * *

It’s a short walk to Chandelier, which Levi is grateful for.  The bottoms of his pants are soaked through and his gloves are damp.  The winter has seeped through his clothes and into his bones, causing him to shiver and lean in towards Eren.  He didn’t realize how cold it was with Eren’s warmth surrounding him.

The bakery is warm and inviting, chasing away the chill of the outdoors when they enter.  The tables are dressed with yellow cloth bringing a welcoming touch of color to combat the dreariness outdoors.  The glass of the pastry case gleams, likely freshly polished by Sasha, the shop owner.

Eren makes a beeline for the display while Levi inhales deeply, taking in the scent of freshly made pastries and yeasty bread.  He’s not much for sweets himself but this is Eren’s favorite place to escape to when he’s struggling. Levi figures he can use it as an escape too.

“Oh, Levi!  Look at this pomegranate chiffon cake!  Ah! And there are scones today! Orange and chocolate!”

Eren’s excitement is infectious.  It always has been. It’s impossible for Levi to remain in his dour mood when Eren is so damn happy over a bit of sugar, flour, and egg.

“Hello?  Bonjour!” a voice calls from the back.  “Eren? Levi? Is that you?” A brunette pokes her head out from around a partition, a broad grin on her face and rosy cheeks dusted with flour.  “Ah! It is you! Qu'est ce qui t'amène aujourd'hui?”

“Angst, Sasha.” Eren quips before he resumes staring through the glass  He’s got his eye on some lime tarts, the tip of his tongue poking out the corner of his mouth.

Levi raises his eyebrow, huffing a bit as Eren skitters to the other end of the display case.  Apple cinnamon strudel has his attention now. This is typical of Eren, of course. Everything looks good and he wants it all.  Only, he doesn’t. Levi knows him. Levi understands exactly what Eren wants. He enjoys knowing. “Cheesecake, Sasha,” he says.  He laughs when Eren pops his head up as if he forgot that was why they came.

“Ah, but not just any cheesecake, non?   _The_ cheesecake?”

“Of course.”

“But I didn’t see any in the case,” Eren mumbles, biting at his lip.  He’s disappointed at the prospect of failure. There is an odd feeling of helplessness in believing that Levi isn’t going to be able to fulfill his promise.

“Ah, chiot!  You don’t see any in the case because I just finished chilling it!”

Green eyes flick to Levi, ever hopeful.  It’s ridiculous, of course, since the whole purpose of this stop is for Levi to buy Eren something.  

Levi chuckles, holds up his forefinger, and says, “One slice of caramel apple cheesecake, please, Sasha.”

“And a vanilla chai!” Eren adds as Sasha disappears again.  He blushes when Levi looks at him, confused. “I told your mom to make you some vanilla chai for when we got back, but now we’re not going to be home for a while.  Chai has always helped you clear your head a bit, so I thought…”

Eren’s thinking about him.  Levi shouldn’t be surprised because Eren hasn’t stopped thinking about him since he arrived at the park.  His appearance at the park was more than enough for Levi to be aware of his concerns, and the security of Eren’s embrace had settled the turmoil that swirled in his soul.  Levi’s heart swells with gratefulness and it takes everything he has to swallow down the lump that’s rising in his throat. He’s sure his ears are red, too, but that can still be blamed on the cold.

“Come on, let’s sit,” Levi says, nudging Eren’s arm.

Eren follows him to a table by a window, removing his outerwear before settling in.  He knows they’re going to be here awhile. Levi wouldn’t have suggested the stop if he didn’t want to sit and unwind.  The man rarely does anything without purpose and Eren doesn’t mind a bit. It’s another reminder of the stability Levi provides him.

Levi’s busy peeling off his scarf and gloves, unaware of the green eyes following his movements.  Eren’s expression has softened further, his gaze fond and gentle. Levi is always so deliberate in his movements, everything finding its rightful spot in a pocket or on a hook.  He’s so particular about knowing where his things are. His fastidiousness makes Eren smile.

“What are you smiling about?” Levi asks.

Shit!  He’s been caught! “Peaches!” he blurts, voice cracking.  He begs the universe to open up a black hole to swallow him.

“Peaches?” Levi replies with a raised brow.  His crossed arms are a clear indication that he doesn’t believe the lie.  He looks skeptical, like a disapproving father. His silence dares Eren to continue.

Eren clears his throat and ducks his head, fidgeting with the edge of the tablecloth before he speaks again.  “I-I was thinking about the time we took that trip down to the States. To Georgia.”

Levi relaxes in his chair, eyebrows returning to their regular position on his face.  “When we went peach picking?”

“The only thing we did was pick peaches!” A heavy huff of relief escapes him and he’s fairly sure that Levi takes it for annoyance.  His voice carries with it a hint of frustration, but in actuality he’s pleased that Levi’s been sufficiently thrown off the trail of his adoration.  

“That’s not true,” Levi begins, a smirk pulling at a corner of his mouth, “you ate boiled peanuts.”

“Ugh.  They were the most disgusting thing I’ve ever put in my mouth!”

“What about Billy?”  His smile grows wider.

Eren sits up straighter, indignant.  “That’s a separate issue! And anyway, we were in beautiful Georgia country for four days and all we did was pick goddamn peaches!”

“I wanted to make pie.”

“And jelly, and jam, and cake.  I don’t even know why you made all those sweet things.  You don’t like anything like that.”

Eren’s not wrong, Levi doesn’t much care for sweets.  The only dessert he desires with any regularity is Eren’s kunifeh.  Levi had made those other confections for Eren. His palate was drawn to such things.  He opens his mouth to say as much but he sees Sasha on her way with their items and refrains.

“Here you are boys!” Sasha says, first setting down a large slice of cheesecake in front of Eren. He lights up like a Christmas tree, eyes wide and his bottom lip caught between his teeth once more.  She offers Levi his chai next, placing it in sweater covered hands.

Levi’s brow furrows as he takes in her Cheshire grin.  “What? What is it with all the smiling today?”

“Nothing,” Sasha singsongs, walking away without another word.

“You two are both weirdos, you know that?” Levi grumbles, clutching his mug to his chest.

“Oh, shut up and drink your tea, you curmudgeon,” Eren chortles, turning his fork in his hand before plunging it into creamy decadence.  “Oh my God,” he moans around a mouthful, eyes closing in bliss. “This is the best. You’re the best, Levi.”

Heat rushes through Levi’s face and he bows his head to take a sip of his tea, attempting to hide his flush.  Noises like that shouldn’t be made in public. They should be made in his bedroom.

“That good, huh?” he says after he’s recovered.

“So, so good.”

“I’m glad it makes you happy.”

“You make me happy,” Eren says with a shrug.  The weight of his words doesn’t occur to him. It’s a general truth in his mind and that’s nothing to be afraid of.  Levi bringing him hot chocolate when he’s sick, sitting up with him when he sketches aimlessly, diverting his attention from his anxieties when he’s unable to do so on his own.  They’re all things that allow Eren to remain a whole person. Eren is positive Levi is the only one suited to do them.

Levi goes stiff, fingers curling more tightly around his mug.  He’s not sure what he’s supposed to say. Is he supposed to say anything?  He feels that pressure squeezing around his heart again and he wants to spill his guts.  He wants to lay everything out right in that instant. He wants Eren to understand how much  he’s adored, and cherished, and loved. He needs Eren to know that even though his feelings are new, they’re _real_.  But Levi says nothing.  He can’t. He does the only other thing he can think of, setting down his tea to reach across the table and hold Eren’s free hand.

When Eren looks up with a smudge of cheesecake smeared on his chin, Levi squeezes his hand, smiles, and grabs a napkin to wipe away the mess.  “Slob,” he huffs.

“Your slob, though.”

“Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Qu'est ce qui t'amène aujourd'hui? - What brings you here today?  
> Non? - No?  
> Chiot - Puppy


	14. Chapter 14

“We should go home soon,” Eren murmurs over a mug of hot chocolate.  In spite of the brave face he put on, Eren was frozen through when they had arrived.  He had done his best to keep his shivering subtle, but it was to no avail. Levi merely clucked at him, waved Sasha over, and ordered him a drink to warm up.

“You don’t have to do that, Levi,” he’d argued.  Levi had dismissed him, demanding he drink it before his damn fingers fell off.

Now Levi is staring out the window into the twilight of the evening.  There is a faint glow of purple-grey as the sun sets. It’s quiet and peaceful.  He revels in it while he can. Gentle fingertips brushing over his knuckles startle him into attentiveness.

“Levi?  Did you hear me?”

With a shake of his head, Levi says, “No, I’m sorry, Gamin.  What is it?”

“I said we need to go home.  It’s getting late.”

Levi inhales deeply, a long suffering sigh rushing past his lips as he exhales.  And yet, once he has blown out his breath, he smiles at Eren. It’s small, almost non-existent, but he knows Eren sees it because he smiles back.  He can’t help himself.

“What?”

What, indeed?  What should Levi tell him?  The truth? That he loves spending time with Eren?  That he adores his smile? That he treasures how Eren cares for him?  No. He can’t say any of those things. He can’t afford to destroy the one good relationship he has in his life.  “I was just thinking that it’s a beautiful evening,” is the half-truth Levi chooses. He feels bitterness blooming in his chest even before he finishes speaking.  He’s at peace here with Eren. He’s not being judged, or fussed over, or scrutinized. He can enjoy playful banter and trade barbs. He’s not ready to put an end to it.

All the same, they can’t stay out forever and they begin pulling on their attire, bundling up once more to face the winter wonderland that awaits them.  Eren’s already hunkered down in his jacket, mouth hidden beneath his scarf.

Levi has his gloves in hand and scarf draped over his forearm.  “I’m going to go pay our tab. I’ll meet you out front.”

Eren nods his agreement and makes his way to the entrance, leaning quietly against the door jamb while Levi heads to the register.  He smiles from behind his scarf because it’s safe to do so while Levi can’t see him fawning. He smiles because Levi walks with purpose, even in such a small space.  He smiles because Levi’s wallet is in his left pocket, but he has to fish around for it because the pockets are so deep. He smiles because, well, because Levi is Levi.

Levi is blissfully unaware of Eren’s attention, fumbling for his wallet before pulling it out to leaf through its contents.  He’s not in any sort of hurry. The longer he takes, the longer he can spend time with Eren.

“What do I owe you, Sasha?” he asks, his neutral façade turning into an unrestrained glower when he catches her grinning at him.  “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Sasha punches a couple of buttons on the cash register, pointing to the display of the amount owed.  Her smile grows wider before she finally cracks and gushes, “So when’s the wedding? Can I cater? I have this great raspberry lemonade marmalade that I have been _dying_ to try using, and Eren seems like a summer wedding sort of guy!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Levi shakes his head, fishing out a twenty.  He can feel himself paling, and he turns his head away to try and avoid eye contact. Reaching out a finger, he taps the register display before handing the bill over.  “You forgot the hot chocolate.”

“No I didn’t.  It’s on the house.  And what do you mean you don’t know what I’m talking about?” Sasha laughs, shoving the twenty back at Levi to allow him to find a ten.

“I mean we’re not even dating,” Levi responds, a notable chill in his tone.  “We’re just friends. You know this.”

Sasha ignores his obvious displeasure and prods further.  “Come on,” she whines. “You and Eren have been coming in here forever!  I’ve been watching you two for years!”

“Creepy.”

Sasha is undeterred.  “How am I supposed to believe you two are “just friends” when you’re looking at him like he hung the damn moon?”

Levi swallows roughly, trying to think of something, anything to say to diffuse the conversation.  “I don’t look at him like…” he begins. If he doesn’t deny it he has to acknowledge it, and that’s not something he’s willing to do.  He can’t handle the disappointment. It doesn’t matter anyway because Sasha cuts him off.

“Pfft!  Like hell you don’t!  And besides, he looks at you like you created the sun just for him!”

It is through willpower alone that Levi manages to contain his gasp.  He can’t believe it. The notion is ridiculous. Utterly preposterous. “You are a meddlesome wench,” he huffs, doing his best to school his expression into neutrality.  Sasha is persistent and exasperating. He’s not in the mood.

“Connie said the same thing yesterday!” Sasha beams.  She’s as good-natured as she is a nuisance. “But seriously, do you want a chiffon cake or something like pound cake when you celebrate your nuptials?”

“I hope there are weevils in your flour,” Levi grumbles, pulling on his gloves with unnecessary roughness.  He’s pretty sure he hears a seam rip. Fabulous.

“There’re weevils in most flour.”

“Bye, Sasha!” Levi says with a flourish of his scarf around his face.  He storms away, ignoring the giddy giggling behind him.

Eren notes the sour frown on Levi’s face as he stomps towards him.  His brow creases in concern. He’d finally gotten Levi calmed down and now he seems upset again.  “Is everything ok?” He can’t help but ask.

“Just peachy,” Levi snorts.

“Georgia peachy?” Eren jokes, knocking his shoulder against Levi.

And just like that Levi’s ire melts away.  He chuckles behind his scarf and shoves Eren back.

He’s happy.

* * *

They walk almost four blocks in silence, Levi pondering whether or not he should tell Eren what Sasha said while Eren catches snowflakes on his tongue like he’s a twelve-year-old.  In the end, despite the feelings he’s been trying to keep contained, Levi decides that maybe Eren would get a kick out of the idea. It’s ludicrous after all.

“Eren?”

“’eah?” he replies, mouth dropped open to catch icy flakes.

“Did you know…” Levi gets no farther than that.

“ _That when it snows…_ ” Eren sings quietly, eyes twinkling with mischief.  His brain has made a sudden and random connection.

Oh no.  Oh _no_.

Levi comes to an abrupt halt, seizing Eren by the arm of his jacket and pointing an accusatory finger at him.  “Don’t you do it. Don’t you dare…!”

It’s too late.  Eren bursts into song.  “ _My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen_.”

“Eren!”

“ _BABAYYY, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey_!” Eren belts into the night air.  He’s absolutely delighted by Levi’s embarrassment.

Levi, trying to save face, continues walking towards the apartment.  He doesn’t bother to hold back his threat. “Eren, I swear to the universe that I will shove an icicle up your nose and stab you in the brain!”  They’re only a block away, maybe he can make it back before…

“ _OOOO the more I get of you the stranger it feels, yeahhh_!”

Nope.  Not only does Eren continue his absolutely atrocious singing, he wraps Levi up in his arms and spins him around on the walk.  On the inside Levi is absolutely melting. He feels mushy, and his skin tingles, even though the only sensation he feels from Eren is the pressure of his fingertips.  On the outside? He’s seething. He’s cold, and tired, and Eren is singing like an idiot but he’s so…so…

Suddenly Levi finds his back pressed against the cold brick of a building, Eren’s body blocking his view.  He’s so close, too close. And warm. Levi wants to feel that warmth against his skin.

“ _Now that your rose is in bloom, the light hits the gloom on the grey_ ,” Eren whispers.  He’s hovering over Levi, looking at him in some kind of way.  A way that makes his stomach flip and his heart climb into his throat.  The same way he looked at Levi in the park, with glistening eyes and rosy cheeks, his nose red and his breath clouding the air.

Levi swallows, trying to put his heart back in its rightful place.  “People are staring,” he rasps. His mouth has gone dry. He feels Eren shift against him.

“No they’re not.  There’s no one out here,” Eren says.  His voice is hushed, almost lilting. It’s like he’s trying to convince Levi there’s nothing to worry about, and even if there is, Eren will protect him.

_Kiss him._

There is a moment between them where everything goes still, neither one of them able to move.  Time has stopped. Levi’s sure that Eren’s leaning towards him. He can feel the pull of Eren’s body, begging him closer.  Levi panics, his voice menacing, though what he actually is is anxious. There’s too much pressure. He’s going to explode if he doesn’t escape.  “I’m going to punt you over a snowbank.”

Eren moves away with a soft laugh.  Levi thinks he sounds hurt, but that can’t be it.  There’s no call for Eren’s feelings to be hurt. Not unless he…

_Don’t, Levi._

A tug on his hand brings him back to the present and he looks up to realize that Eren has danced them back to the apartment.  Levi’s not surprised.

Eren always leads him home.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> YES! FINALLY! I'M BACK! After almost three months I have returned! I had THE WORST case of writer's block/zero motivation. It was stressing me tf out. But I DID IT! I finished this fucking chapter!
> 
> Thank the universe for IBT and her unending patience <3

Eren takes a few steps towards the apartment door, stopping to look over his shoulder when he doesn’t feel Levi’s presence behind him.  Wintery eyes are watching him, wary, but not unkind.  Eren ignores the weight in his chest and smiles with a sigh.

“Come on, we’re almost there,” he cajoles, holding out a hand to beckon Levi closer. “Do I need to pick you up and carry you?”

A vision of Eren sweeping him up bridal style flashes in Levi’s mind.  He scrunches up his nose and shoves his hands in his pockets, scoffing a rough, “No!” as he slinks past.  “Hurry up!” is Levi’s next demand, shifting his weight from foot to foot.  He’s cold and agitated, and he wants to be let inside.  Annoyance prickles beneath his skin, sharp and stinging, and Eren isn’t the problem.  Levi knows better than that.  He stomps his feet on the doormat, his next words emphasizing his fractious state.  “I think my asshole is frozen shut.”

“Sounds like a personal problem,” Eren says with a smirk, fishing out his keys and unlocking the door.

“You’re a personal problem,” Levi grumbles, gloved hands tucked in his armpits. There are too many feelings for him to address, tangled and knotted up like discarded yarn.  He doesn’t want to face his emotions outside in the midst of winter.  He doesn’t want to do it at all.

Eren’s hand clenches around the doorknob as he turns it, doing his best to push past the tension that twists up his spine.  Levi breezes by him while Eren swallows down the pain yet again.  He understands Levi didn’t mean it the way he’s taking it, but it stings nonetheless.  He is wounded, and the only person who could possibly heal him appears utterly oblivious to his desires.

Levi is poor at reading social cues—generally speaking—making his responses to Eren’s recent behavior unsurprising.  Even so, he’s almost always been able to read Eren without issue, and Eren has no doubt it’s because subtlety is not his personal strong suit.  He’s an open book for the world to read.  Levi reminds him of such often enough.  That should be all the more reason Levi should understand his advances.  Unless he _does_ understand and he just doesn’t see Eren that way.  It’s a discouraging thought, and though failure is always an option, Eren isn’t ready to give up yet. 

He does his best to hold himself together, croaking out an exhausted, “We’re home!” while he peels off wet mittens.  

The entryway is dark, low lighting from the kitchen being all that illuminates the living room.  

Eren watches Levi intently, taking note of how his posture has relaxed, though it is slight.  He’s already out of his coat, gloves tucked in the left pocket and scarf hung up on the coat rack.  He’s working on removing his boots, fingers plucking at the strings to loosen their hold on his feet.  

Despite the time they’ve recently spent together, Eren is aware that Levi doesn’t want to continue to entertain him.  He’s most likely to slip away into the bathroom to soak in the tub and let hot water ease away the rest of his tension.

That’s alright.  Eren needs some space, too.  With that thought, he turns his attention back to his own clothes and leaves Levi to his own devices.

* * *

The house is quiet.  Blissfully so.  It coaxes Levi to put aside thoughts of a long soak in the tub to call out for his mother. 

“Maman?”

There is no answer.

“Maman?” Levi tries again.  There is an edge to his voice.  Concern.  He frees himself from his boots and stumbles onto the carpeting.  His brow creases as he frowns, turning to Eren, who is working on removing his socks. “Did she say she was going out?”  Levi asks.  He doesn’t wait for an answer, heading down the hall to her room. “Mam--”

The door opens and Levi has but a single moment to see his mother’s red-rimmed eyes before he’s pulled into her chest, her arms wrapping tight around his ribs.  Levi doesn’t struggle.  He typically finds his mother to be smothering and overbearing, but right now, at this moment, he can let her have this.  He can appreciate her worry.  

He hugs her back as an apology, tucking his head against her neck.  It feels just like when he was five years old and he’d curl up in her lap while she read to him until he fell asleep.

“I burned the chai,” Kuchel laughs around a sniffle, pressing a kiss to the crown of his head.

“Don’t worry about it.  Eren got me some.”

Kuchel laughs again.  “Of course he did.  Such a doting boyfriend.”

Levi squeezes his mother’s waist one more time, wincing at the pang he feels in his stomach.  He pulls away, eyes cast downward.  “I need a bath.” He tries to turn and make his escape. 

“Levi?”

He pauses when he hears her voice.  There’s something in her tone, somber and melancholy, that makes his heart ache.  “Yes?” he asks, fingers unconsciously constricting around her hand.

“I’m glad you two are together.  I truly am.  So many people wish they had someone to look at them the way Eren looks at you.”

“The way he...he doesn’t…” Levi attempts to object, but it’s futile.  His pulse quickens and he’s sure he’s going to start sweating any moment.

Kuchel smiles at him, amused by his rebuttal.  “Yes he does.  And you’re no better, all moony-eyed and squishy.”

“ _Maman_!” he hisses, eyelids twitching at the thought of Eren overhearing.  This is the worst.  It’s almost as bad as the time she sat down and gave him “the talk”.  The only difference is that he hasn’t been caught literally red-handed working himself over and staring at a poster of Noah Wyle.

“Alright, alright,” Kuchel accedes, sighing.  But she doesn’t let go of Levi’s hand.  “Truly, Levi, hang on to him.  I don’t think anybody could possibly love you more.  Not even me.”

Levi can feel his Adam’s apple bob in his throat as he swallows.  His mouth has gone dry as the desert.  “Oui, Maman,” is all he can manage before he excuses himself.

* * *

Eren sits in a chair in the living room, head in his hands, elbows on his knees.  He’s thinking about the evening with Levi.  About the quiet peacefulness they shared in the park, the laughter that warmed his chest while they drank hot chocolate and tea at Chandelier, the way Levi had looked at him, both in the park and on the way home. 

He’s confused.  So very confused.  Eren is sure that Levi wanted to kiss him in the park, but then, when he’d finally tried, he’d been threatened with physical violence.  Levi was deflecting, Eren understands that.  He wanted to escape.  But the question Eren can’t answer is why?  Is Levi afraid?  Does he find Eren so repulsive?  

He doesn’t think that either of those are the correct explanation and Eren dares to hope that Levi feels the same way he does.  That he has felt the same flutter in his chest and tingle in his fingertips.  That he wants what Eren wants and can’t voice it.

“Papillon?” a soft voice speaks from behind him.

“Hello, Kuchel,” Eren replies.  He can hear how weary he sounds.  He doesn’t have the energy to hide it.  It would do him no good to attempt it anyway.  He’s a terrible liar as it is, and he’s barely holding the current farce together.  “God, I wish it was real,” he says. 

Kuchel sits on the end of the couch closest to Eren, clasping her hands and putting her wrists on the arm rest.  “You wish that what was real?”

Eren’s head shoots up.  Shit fuck!  Did he say that out loud?  “Nothing!”  His voice cracks in his hurry to give an answer.  He has made a grave mistake.  And yet, dread is not what he feels.  If anything, Eren feels relief, and he knows he’s going to lay it all out.  The pressure has been building, and building, and building.  The water is boiling and the tea kettle has to whistle.

“Levi...I…we…” he tries.  The words won’t come. 

Kuchel’s hand alights on Eren’s back and she rubs a gentle circle between his shoulder blades.  “You know,” she begins, “I was hurt when Levi said you’d been together for three months and he hadn’t told me.  And I wondered, even though I shouldn’t have, why you two didn’t do things like kiss in front of me.” She sighs, her hand continuing to stroke along Eren’s back.  “I shouldn’t have been surprised, nor should I have expected you to do such things in front of me.  I know my son.  I know how private he is.  But you....” Kuchel trails off.

“I care about him,” Eren murmurs.  “I care about him more than anybody I’ve ever been with.”  

He takes a deep breath and blows it out, raking a hand through his hair.  It’s the first time he’s voiced his feelings, and the admission feels so heavy. It weighs him down in his seat.

“Then why haven’t you told him?  It’s been three months, and the way you two…”

Eren’s eyes remain on the floor.  He’s ashamed of his upcoming confession, but he can’t hold it in anymore.  “We’re not together, Kuchel,” he says with a rough swallow.  He can already feel his eyes getting wet.  Feelings are the worst.  “Levi didn’t want to spend another birthday with you fussing over him not having a boyfriend.  He didn’t want you to think he’s a fuck up that can’t keep someone around.”  Eren is aware he sounds angry.  He’s also aware he looks angry when he finally raises his head to catch Kuchel’s eye.  He sees no anger reflected back at him.

“So that’s what he was keeping from me,” Kuchel speaks softly.  It is impossible to miss the sadness in her voice, the hurt, but it can’t be helped.  And even through her pain, Kuchel smiles, eyes brimming with tears.  “You know, Papillon, mothers just want the best for their children.  But, sometimes we’re wrong.  Sometimes we push in the wrong direction.  Sometimes we meddle when what we need to do is leave well enough alone.”

A laugh escapes Eren, but it’s humorless.  The sound is dull and empty, an airy wheeze.  He’s twisted up in knots and it feels like he’s fifteen all over again, unsure of his place in the world and frustrated by emotions he doesn’t know what to do with.  He’s a ball of energy and that energy has no place to go.

“We’re all fuck ups, Eren.  Every last one of us.  But Levi has always managed to keep those who mattered to him close.”

“Maybe so, but he wants to matter to someone, too,” Eren says through a scowl.

Kuchel moves from the couch to the floor, kneeling between Eren’s legs and taking his face in soft hands.  Those hands are like Levi’s, small, with long, graceful fingers and well-manicured nails.  But unlike those of her son, whose palms are almost always chilled, her touch is warm.  Eren wishes he felt cool hands on his cheeks.

“He matters to you, Eren.  No one stays with someone this long when they’re only friends.  Not with what you two have been through and not with what you do for each other.  I feel stupid that I didn’t see it sooner, long before this.  But it seems you didn’t see it either, and you’re with Levi every day.”

She’s right.  Kuchel has hit the nail on the head, and that nail is embedded in Eren’s heart.  It’s been driven deeper than he ever imagined it could go.  It makes the throbbing ache in his chest ebb away into something lighter.  Something hopeful. Eren grasps Kuchel’s hands, green eyes wild and desperate.  “I need you to go shopping with me!”

Kuchel is startled, but she recovers quickly enough.  “Shopping?  For what? 

Eren’s vibrating, nerves and excitement overtaking him.  His hands tremble around Kuchel’s and his voice is pleading as he explains his need.  “Levi’s birthday present!  I mean, I already got him one since we combine Christmas and his birthday, but it’s not good enough! I have to get him something else!”

“But tomorrow’s Christmas Eve.  What could you possibly…”

“I’ll know it when I see it!   _Please_ , Kuchel?”

It’s impossible for her to say no.  Kuchel understands full well why Eren gets his way so often.  Not just with her, but his own mother, with his friends...with Levi.  His joy is infectious and his harebrained schemes are exciting to watch play out.  “Alright then, Papillon.  We’ll go on a treasure hunt tomorrow.”

Eren leaps up from his chair, pulling Kuchel into a tight embrace.  “Thank you,” he speaks into her hair.

“Thank you,” she says, voice heavy with affection. “Thank you for loving my little moth.”

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m so in love with this chapter

Levi fusses with his collection of oils, pulling out various combinations he’s considering using while he waits for the tub to fill. It’s not often he feels the need to fidget, but his mind is a mess and his back is twisted with tension. A towel, sloppily folded with crooked edges, is pulled from the linen closet. It’s fluffy from being recently laundered and Levi smiles at its disarray. Once upon a time, he would have been upset from a perceived lack of care, but Levi came to learn what Eren lacked in attention to detail he more than made up for by doing things out of kindness.

He shakes his head and clicks his tongue, placing the towel on the bathroom countertop. The tub is nearly full and he needs to make his oil selections. His general tastes lean towards scents most would deem delicate or feminine; primrose, honeysuckle, lavender. He wants something more aggressive tonight, floral and spicy. He swipes up two bottles and carefully places a few drops of each into the rushing water, nostrils flaring to pick up gentle orange blossom and heady clove.

As with everything he does, Levi takes his time, first turning off the faucet of the tub and then stripping down. His clothes are loosely folded and placed in his hamper and his watch finds a place to rest on the end table near the door. Satisfied with his current state of affairs he slips into hot water with a sigh. He wishes he could say it was a sound of contentment. He wishes he could say that the ache in his bones melted away as soon as he submerged himself.

He can’t.

The only thoughts Levi has at the moment are ones he’s been trying to avoid. Thoughts of Eren; laughing, smiling, curled up in an afghan on the couch, drinking hot chocolate after a snowball fight. He can’t run forever. Levi has never been what anybody would consider a coward. He doesn’t let people talk down to him, and he can defend himself physically when necessary, but he’s only human. It frustrates him people don’t seem to believe he can be scared.

Levi values honesty and loyalty above all else, and Eren readily provides him with both. The potential consequences of a confession are petrifying. He could lose everything. Even so, Levi can’t deny that he’s going to take the leap into the abyss. No matter how many times he considers the ramifications, living a life of regret isn’t something he can accept.

Levi pulls his legs up and sinks down further in the basin, submerging his mouth, eyes staring into pellucid water. He wiggles his toes, counting each one, moves his hands beneath the surface spreading and squeezing an invisible accordion. The resistance pushing against him is comforting. He counts his fingers, blinking when his gaze falls to the cut on his finger. He wraps a couple digits around it and squeezes before blowing bubbles into his bathwater. So childish. Eren would tease him without mercy if he knew.

Levi swears that coming out was easier for him than what’s happening now. He remembers outing himself to Eren the moment it became clear he wasn’t going to be able to shake the brat.  
“Oi, Eren,” he’d said, the pair of them walking home from school together. “I’m gay.”

Eren had stopped and looked at him, eyebrows crinkled together. Levi hadn’t been able to place his expression at the time, though he knows it well now. Confusion. He had been relieved it wasn’t disgust. “Did you hear me?” he’d prodded. “I like to kiss boys.”

And Eren, sweet, innocent, “Hey, wanna share some bubble gum?” Eren, had shrugged and said, “We’re still going to play basketball tonight, right?”

Levi scowls at the memory. “Tch, idiot.” The scowl is quickly replaced by a fond smile no one can see.

* * *

It takes Levi by surprise when he enters the bedroom dressed for the night and Eren isn’t already under the covers. Levi didn’t expect him to be asleep by any means, but he assumed Eren would be there. The twinge in his gut serves as a reminder that Levi is more than just attached to Eren. He swallows down the mass of fear that bubbles up with that thought.

“Brat?” Levi calls out softly, walking into the hallway. It’s near 10 o’clock and his mother has already gone to bed. “Oi, where are you, kid?”

“‘M right here,” Eren replies from the couch. “And ‘m not a kid.”

Sidling into the living room, Levi peers over the back of the couch. Tired green eyes look back at him. Eren looks disconnected from the world, and Levi can feel the hairs on his nape rise. The blank expression Eren wears is one Levi is familiar with, and not in a positive way. The last thing either of them needs right now is for Eren to dissociate. He doesn’t have a right to be surprised. Not with the stress he put Eren under.

Levi rounds the couch, keeping an eye on Eren’s face as he moves. “What are you doing out here?”

“Was gonna sleep out here,” Eren says, hiding himself against a cushion.

“Why would you do that?”

Eren tries curling up in a ball, but his lanky frame doesn’t allow him to do so. Levi would comment on his ridiculousness if he wasn’t so concerned. He presses his fingertips to Eren’s hairline, attempting to get him to relax. It takes a moment more for Eren to lift his head in a silent offer to connect. Levi’s free hand reaches down to grasp Eren’s wrist, and with a single tug he rises from the couch. “Come to bed, Eren.”

“I’m a bother. I wanted to give you space. I…”

“You’re not a bother, you idiot,” Levi whispers. “Come on, come to bed. I’ll feel a lot better if you come with me.”

There is an uneasy quiet between them, Levi counting the seconds that tick by. He reaches 108 before Eren offers a single nod and takes a step forward.

“Good, come on, Brat,” Levi encourages, unconsciously rubbing the back of Eren’s hand with his thumb.

They make it into the bedroom, Eren wobbling and swaying, Levi doing his best to guide. Eren falls onto the bed, eyes unseeing, even with Levi standing right in front of him. Levi’s grateful that Eren’s in his pajamas already. That makes things exponentially easier.

Combing through Eren’s hair, Levi asks, “What do you need?” He’s done this so many times over the years he understands what comes next. This is a formality. A way to keep Eren engaged so he doesn’t slip away.

“Touch,” Eren rasps. “Please.”

“Alright, kid. Can you scoot back for me?”

Eren complies, albeit sluggishly, and Levi crawls onto the bed, kneeling in front of him. He waits until a long arm reaches out and he can slide into the embrace that’s waiting for him. He shivers when Eren presses his nose against his neck and inhales deeply.

“You smell good,” Eren murmurs, snuffling behind Levi’s ear.

“Do I?” Levi asks him. He does it for no other reason than to keep Eren talking. He wouldn’t do this for anybody but Eren. They haven’t earned it. They don’t deserve this intimacy.

Large hands draw up and down Levi’s back. The touch is light in pressure, tender and heavy with affection. Thumbs trace the lines of Levi’s shoulder blades and calloused fingers find sore muscles to work loose. Eren sighs and Levi allows himself to slump, though he keeps watching Eren’s eyes, waiting for more recognition.

Strong arms pull Levi closer, hugging him tight, fingers slipping beneath the hem of his shirt to touch bare skin. “You smell like Christmas,” Eren mumbles, “and summer.”

Levi’s mouth goes dry. The low timbre of Eren’s voice is doing things to him. Things that shouldn’t be happening right now. He can feel himself growing hard, an ember of heat in his stomach trying to rise into flame. He wants to press his lips against Eren’s and feel the rush of breath against his face when he exhales. He wants to kiss Eren until they’re both breathless and exhausted, only to come back for more, because it will never be enough.

The careful glide of Eren’s fingers over his flesh isn’t helping anything, goosebumps rising in the wake of his touch. His hands have found their way to Levi’s throat, free fingers scratching at the short hairs of Levi’s undercut, and Eren’s looking at him so intently, so calmly, Levi is almost fooled into believing Eren is present enough for him to try and engage in less PG-rated activities.

He can’t be passive any longer. They’re in the right place but it’s the wrong time. Levi raises his hands to bury them in Eren’s hair, mimicking Eren’s scratching. He smirks at the small hum of pleasure he receives. Eren’s hands don’t stop moving. Not until Levi has guided his head to his chest and Eren can listen to his heartbeat.

It takes little time for Levi to maneuver himself so he’s laying down, Eren’s ear firmly pressed over his heart, his fingers carding through tangled locks.

It’s quiet for a long while and Levi thinks Eren has fallen asleep until he hears a quavering voice. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t, Brat.”

“I hate that I’m like this,” Eren sniffles, hot tears wetting Levi’s shirt. “Why am I like this?”

“Shhh, it’s…” Levi stops himself from saying “fine”. The way Eren feels is not fine. He knows it’s not. It’s painful, and embarrassing, and devastatingly not fine. “I’m right here, Eren. I’m not going anywhere.”

Eren pulls Levi to him again, arms constricting like a boa around Levi’s smaller frame. His nails bite into Levi’s skin as he clutches him, heaving against Levi’s chest in an effort to be quiet. Levi doesn’t fight it. He doesn’t want to. He’ll stay here and hold Eren. He’ll keep stroking his hair until he’s stopped shaking and has cried himself out. Until he remembers Levi’s dedication to him. Until he understands how utterly, unendingly, unceasingly in love Levi is with him.

Levi doesn’t care about Eren’s sickness beyond the fact that it hurts him. It angers him that he can do nothing about it. What he does care about is the way Eren smiles at him when he gets surprised with chocolate chip pancakes at breakfast. The way Eren looks abashed when he’s caught doing something he shouldn’t be. The way he keeps Levi grounded when he’s about to lose himself to obsession. The way he loves so much, and so hard, even if it’s to his detriment.

“I’m not going anywhere, Eren.”

_I promise._

**Author's Note:**

> Please fix my French if you see any mistakes. I always appreciate it :)


End file.
